The Gemara Sanhedrin (107a) says that Dovid Hamelech requested a Nisayon, and Hashem notified him that he would be tested in matters of immorality. The Gemara learns that David had relations with his wife at that point, as a way of ensuring that he could withstand the temptation with another woman. The Gemara says that (on some level) this was actually a mistake being that David Hamelech would have had an easier time overcoming the test if he had not just had relations with his wife (see Artscroll 107a1 note 8 and 9), being that the more one attempts to satiate his organ the more it hungers him (obviously we cannot relate to David's level whatsoever, and the Gemara says that whoever says they can understand David's sin is making a mistake, however, we can learn lessons that the Gemara learns out from the incident).

I found two strong Chizuk messages from this story:

1. Many might think that if only we could have relations with our wife more often, or if she would be doing more to please us, that would help us stay away from our lust temptations. From here we see the fallacy in that argument. Having relations does not make it easier to overcome our lusts. Obviously, there is a Mitzvah to have relations with our wives which we can not ignore, but that is not the tool to overcome our lust (this is also mentioned by the Shulchan Aruch Ohr Hachaim 240,1.).

2. Sometimes we may find a strong lust temptation the night of Mikveh or another time after recently having had relations with our wives, which may make us feel extra guilty and like something is seriously wrong with us to be having the temptation at that moment. This Gemara is a Chizuk that it is normal to have a stronger desire in this area after having recently engaged in it.

Dear Guard,

Please read my story below. I need advice about what I must do now. My name is Rabbi Moshe, I am a sex and love addict and a kiruv professional. My addiction has progressed to exhibitionism, threatening my parnosso and my sanity. I am also very addicted to porn and masturbation, living in fantasy, and when I go on sprees I am unable to focus on work, life, etc. for days and even weeks at a time. I also have to physically force myself not to act out with prostitutes etc. These behaviors cause me intense shame and pain yet I cannot stop. I am also highly co-dependent with my wife. About 2 weeks ago after dabbling for almost 3 years on GYE with online meetings and the forum and getting a bit of sobriety, with my wife’s consent I finally went to a face to face meeting. Basically that triggered my beginning of finally being honest about my addiction. I went to the second meeting on another Sunday, despite my wife needing me with the kids. And basically I went to more meetings at times she needed me and she shut down, getting angrier and angrier. My sponsor said that I need to do the meetings to get healthy and I feel that to be the truth, but my wife feels I am violating her privacy and trust by sharing secrets of our life with others and she wants a few months break from the program and then I could go back possibly. And if I do go to the meeting Tuesday she will stop talking to me again, and little by little we will move to divorce.

I believe that I have no idea what will happen, but I am now willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to get sober as I am very scared of the possible consequences of continued acting out which may cause me to lose everything I have, including my sanity and very possibly suicide.

Basically, what should I do? Should I push it off (and who knows) for shalom bayis, or do I need to go the meetings and do the work for hatzolas nefoshas?

Thanks so much!

Moshe

GYE Responds:

I feel your pain and confusion. I passed your question on to some of our experts, and I'll let you know when they reply. But I just want to quote something that Harvey said in a talk I was once at (Harvey is one of the founders of SA). He said:

Our addiction is a disease, like diabetes. If the wife of a diabetic would tell her husband not to take the insulin because she doesn’t want to be married to someone who takes insulin all the time, well, she won’t have a husband for much longer!

If we don’t put our sobriety first because we’re afraid to lose what is precious to us, we will probably end up losing it all anyway. But when we’re willing to lose everything and put our sobriety FIRST, we often get to keep everything precious in the end.

I think your wife needs a lot of help and guidance too.

Here is our page of resources for spouses: http://www.guardyoureyes.com/resources/spouses

Your wife should speak to Elya and his wife Esther. She desperately needs support and guidance.

She can also call Miriam, and join the CODA phone conference on GYE.

Hatzlacha

Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski responds:

I think that this requires a face-to-face discussion with an addiction specialist. The issues are too big to be handled by e-mail.

Twerski

When You Caught Your Husband

Rabbi Shafier from theshmuz.com send us the above MP3 recording that he made and wrote to us as follows:

I often deal with women who find out that their husband was / is involved with pornography, and even though he is dealing with the problem-- she can't. And it strarts to wreak havoc on their relationship. And I'll spend a lot of time, trying to get her to put things into perspective, to understand that this is a nisayon that she can't relate to... And often, I find women saying, "Thank you" It was very helpful".... Bottom line, after saying the same words over and over, I decided to record them.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.