Can't you just say 'No'?
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1658  
 
 
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Announcements: Dov's Q&A Thursday Call
Rabbi Twerski: Just Say 'No!'
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Daily Dose of Dov: The Difference Between Lust & Love
 
 
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Rabbi Twerski
 
Just Say 'No!'
 
Part 1/4
 
By Twerski, Rabbi Dr. Avraham

We’re Missing the Boat

In my lectures about drug addiction, I often cite the comment of a 14 year old girl who was interviewed about Nancy Reagan’s campaign to “Just Say ‘No!’ to Drugs.” The young woman said, “Why? What else is there?”

I have watched our government spend billions of dollars on drug prevention. I have seen them increase prison sentences and confiscate drugs. I see the sniffing dogs at the airport. Nothing has worked. Nothing has made a dent in the fatal drug epidemic. I believe that nothing will work until we have an answer to the young woman’s challenging question, “Why? What else is there?”---an answer that youngsters will accept.

At Gateway Rehabilitation Center, I meet with youngsters who do not see anything in life worthwhile, and have recourse to deadly chemicals. They know that drugs can kill them, but death is not a deterrent when life is meaningless.

The shocking thing is that some frum youngsters who are students of Torah and observant of mitzvos are not immune. (See recent blog on Heveria.com). One would think that these youngsters have a meaningful life. After all, they learn Torah and do mitzvos. They are taught that this is the purpose of life, that this is why they were created. Many have learned Mesilas Yesharim (The Path of the Just), whose first chapter is “The Duty of a Person in His World”). They behave as if they are dutybound to a higher principle. Why do they have recourse to deadly drugs?

In the 1960’s, the popular mantra was “If it feels good, do it.” Professor Albert Einstein correctly said that “This is a life ideal appropriate for a herd of swine.” Obviously, drugs “feel good,” but a goal in life of pursuit of pleasure is most degrading.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the good things in this world. The berachah we recite in the spring when the fruit trees blossom is, “Blessed are You, Hashem, King of the universe, for nothing is lacking in His universe, and He created in it good creatures and good trees, to cause mankind pleasure with them.” It is also written that one of the questions we will be asked on our Judgment Day is, “Did you enjoy My world?” But that is a far cry from the hedonistic viewpoint that considers the world to be a huge amusement park, with no goal in life other than “Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.”

One might think that Torah observance is the perfect antidote to a hedonistic lifestyle. Some 800 years ago, Ramban coined the term, naval birshus haTorah, a person who is in technical compliance with all of Torah, yet is a physically indulgent scoundrel.

Some frum people seem to have adapted the hedonistic mantra to “If it feels good, and it’s kosher, do it.” This attitude is conducive not only to drugs, but also to other harmful addictions.

Yet, it is not easy to live a frugal life when technology has eliminated so many discomforts. My first car was a 1936 Plymouth, with no air-conditioning, power steering and power brakes. Should I not have availed myself of these conveniences when they became available? With all the kosher conveniences at our disposal, it is difficult to avoid becoming a naval birshus haTorah,

It is not much solace that there are many tens of thousands frum people who are not addicted. The desire to live comfortably is innate, and it is difficult to draw the lines. All frum young people are vulnerable and all should be considered “kids at risk.”

A closely related issue is that many youngsters do not see a bright future for themselves. This is a consequence of low self-esteem, unjustified and unwarranted feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, a theme which I have addressed in a number of my books. With no aspirations to success and with a belief that the world is a huge playground meant to be fully enjoyed, the road to addictions is wide open.

Rav Shlomo Wolbe in Alei Shur points out that a feeling of chahsivus (worthiness) is essential for Torah observance. Prior to giving the Torah, Hashem said to the Israelites. “You have seen what I did to Egypt. I carried you on the wings of eagles and brought you to Me. And now, if you will listen to My voice and observe My covenant, You will be a treasure unto Me from among all nations. You will be a kingdom of priests and a holy nation” (Exodus 19:4-6). Rav Wolbe says that this uplifting feeling of chashivus was essential for them to receive the Torah. The Talmud says that “Every person is obligated to say, ‘The world was created for me’”(Sanhedrin 37a).

The fact that some Torah observant and cognizant people gravitate to the use of drugs means that we have missed the boat and have failed to instill in them a sense of purpose in life and a sense of chashivus, both of which are essential to prevent their yielding to the lure of drugs.

To be continued...
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Daily Dose of Dov
 
The Difference Between Lust & Love
 
How does the desire to be with one's wife differ from lust, and how can we tell which is which?
 
By Dov

Lust usually feels great... and horrifyingly 'emptying'. It is very powerful, especially because it creates bodily sensations, and that kind of thing is incontrovertible. The body is convinced that it is truly good and that we need it. And you cannot argue with a body... it does not speak English, or any language.

I believe that the only way to communicate with it and possibly convince it otherwise, is with pain. And that is what addiction produces. It adds layers and layers of new pain on top of the old pain we thought it would cover.

And I do not believe this pain can be contrived, meaning that we cannot inflict it on ourselves intentionally - it must naturally grow out of the lusting process. Rolling in snow, fasting, and giving ridiculous amounts of money to tzedakah (or even burning it up!) will avail us nothing. The body cannot be fooled.

I believe that a normal person may not get this pain at all, but I think that an addict is guaranteed to get it, eventually. Hopefully the cost by that time will not be too great for him and his health, for his wife and family (if he has them), for his community, and for Klal Yisroel. That is why Guard likes to write about "hitting bottom while still on top". We all hope to do just that, but just look around and you'll see that giving up our drug before carrying it becomes impossible... well, that feels like giving up my life for some worthy cause - as a young man! I have so much life (including nice sex and lust) to look forward too! Let the old, decrepit folks do it, rather than me... I am not kidding. Many of us express the feeling that if we don't have this thing we are lusting after, we feel like we are facing death itself. Otherwise, what is the big draw? "Just say no!"

Nu?

So here is a short list of the side-effects of lust that help identify it (so we can tell the difference between lust and love - even when with our wives):

Lust rarely makes me happy; it always makes me feel uneasy afterward; it never makes both of us happy; it eventually makes one (then both) of us miserable.

Lust does not allow me to give and help people - it makes me give only so that they'll love me and give me something I crave.

Lust allows no place for a real G-d - a G-d who has my best interest in mind (= loves me), because lust forces me to either ignore G-d or constantly grovel back to Him...

In the moment, lusting feels uncannily like it makes perfect sense, while true loving makes me and my life make sense.

Lust makes me count and recount my pretty-weather friends, while true love leads to making friends that count in any weather.

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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