The Problem of a Global Scale
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1609  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Image of the Day
Announcements: Dov's Q&A Thursday Call
Prevention: The Magnitude and Root-Causes of Today’s Kedusha Crisis
Testimonials: "Fireproof" - The Movie
Practical Tips: The Porn Trap
 
 
90 Day Journey
 
Click below to update your 90 day chart
Still Clean Had a fall
Haven't begun the 90 day journey yet? Click here to join.
 
Image of the Day
 
Announcements
 

PLEASE NOTE:

This Thursday, Dov will be talking about "Shovavim and Addiction."

***Also, on the subject of Shovavim:***

Dov's new "Desperados" cycle began this Sunday, on the first day of Shovavim 5777.

It's not too late to join by being in touch with Dov: wequithiding@gmail.com

 
Dov's Q&A Thursday Call
 

Monday - Thursday, 8-9AM EST

Dial In Number:
From U.S. 515-739-1294
(For all other countries, click here).
Participant PIN: 382530#

Read article
Prevention
 
The Magnitude and Root-Causes of Today’s Kedusha Crisis
 
Part 1/12
 
What is the magnitude of the problems that have arisen as a result of digital technology, and how can we address the core roots that lead to these problems?
 
By Yaakov from GYE

An email received by GYE from Rabbi Y.W:

Dear GYE,

My partner and I are directors of a local kiruv organization that realizes that nowadays many in the frum community need a tremendous amount of kiruv and chizuk as well.

I am aware of the enormous help GYE provides, and that you are among the worldwide leaders to help address this enormous emerging problem.

We want to get a sense of the magnitude of the problems that have arisen as a result of digital technology. We are particularly interested to learn about the prevalence of "binge watching" in the frum community, and how extensive is the inappropriate use of social media among people who have a religious background

We know people (who learned in yeshiva and even kollel) who are so addicted to binge watching that they watch netflix on shabbos. We know frum people using social media to foster inappropriate relationships (to say the least). We would like to get a sense of how big the problem is. We suspect that it is far bigger than many of our leaders realize.

We would like to direct our efforts to help address the core roots that lead to these problems.

Thank you so much


GYE Responds:

Hi. Unfortunately we don't have any specific stats on binge-watching and/or inappropriate social media usage. But GuardYourEyes has thousands of frum yidden turning to us for help from all over the world for help with lust-addiction. These are people who are involved in a range of inappropriate behaviors, ranging from watching soft-core and hard-core porn, masturbation, and occasionally going further than that as well. But we can only help those who are looking for help, as they say, "You can bring a horse to the water but you can't force it to drink".

For those who have progressed beyond the screen, we generally refer them to SA 12-Step groups and/or therapy, because live "acting-out" usually requires live help and support to be affective. Our org is responsible for bringing hundreds of frum Yidden into these live 12-Step groups. But the main bulk of our members are not full-blown addicts, but rather people who have developed these unhealthy habits, recognize the incompatibility of these behaviors with the frum lifestyle and need help and support to break free. You might find the 8 minute video on the homepage of guardyoureyes.com very interesting, as it explains how we help people in detail.

As far as the "magnitude of the problem", I can say that it is probably the greatest challenge facing Klal Yisrael today. Probably about 85% of frum people have internet access today (in the U.S.) and perhaps only about 30% use only filtered internet. The accessibility and anonymity makes this a huge challenge. Kids are naturally curious, teens are pulled in, and by the time they get married, many have become addicted or developed unhealthy habits. It's hard to give exact numbers, but we know the problem is everywhere. We have over 20,000 members worldwide on our English and Hebrew websites, and we believe this is still a drop in the bucket.

If you have a chance to listen to this 1 minute recording of Rabbi Twerski at our board meeting last year, as well as read a number of articles from the Mishpacha that might be of interest. One is a column from Yononson Rosenblum back in 2011, and another 3 "Lifeline" stories from 2014, 2015 and 2016 (it seems they do about one story a year on this topic).

To be continued...
Testimonials
 
"Fireproof" - The Movie
 
By obormottel

Feedback on the FIREPROOF MOVIE (2008)

Read more
Practical Tips
 
The Porn Trap
 
Part 2/3
 
By Wendy Maltz

Identifying and being able to admit your particular fears about quitting porn is an important first step in ultimately resolving those fears. Many of the people we have counseled and interviewed found it beneficial to do this as they started out on their healing journeys. Below is a list that includes many of their responses. You can use this list to help you identify your own fears.

COMMON FEARS OF BEING WITHOUT PORN
Put a check next to each item with which you agree:

____ I'm afraid of becoming depressed.
____ I'm afraid of getting angry and upset.
____ I'm afraid of feeling lonely.
____ I'm afraid of getting stressed out.
____ I'm afraid I won't be able to masturbate without it.
____ I'm afraid of losing my sense of sexual power.
____ I'm afraid of losing interest in sex.
____ I'm afraid of having less enjoyment in sex.
____ I'm afraid of feeling sexually frustrated.
____ I'm afraid I'll get involved with even riskier sexual behaviors.
____ I'm afraid of becoming more dependent on my partner for sex.
____ I'm afraid of feeling "less of a man" or less sexually liberated.
____ I'm afraid I'll have to tell others about my problem and they'll reject me.
____ I'm afraid no one will understand and be able to help me.
____ I'm afraid I will fail if I try to quit.

____ Other

___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

As the list demonstrates, fears of quitting porn fall into the categories of emotional well-being, sexual enjoyment, and relating to others. These fears make sense given that porn use can play an important role in temporarily fulfilling needs in any one of these three areas. Go back over the list and look at the specific fears you identified. Notice which of your fears have to do with emotional, sexual, or relationship concerns. Do you have some fears in each category, or do your fears tend to concentrate in one area or the other? Understanding the type of fears you have can help you become aware of what particular issues you'll need to focus most on in your recovery; by doing so, you can ensure you meet that need in some other way than by using porn. For example, if you identified that you are afraid of feeling lonely if you stop using porn, then you have a legitimate need to not feel lonely. You can tame this fear by planning things to do so you won't feel alone without porn.

It is common for recovering porn users to have fears related to sex. They may worry that quitting porn will in some way mean losing out on sexual opportunities or no longer being a sexually active person. This fear is understandable and often strongest in people who have come to rely on porn as a primary sexual stimulant and outlet. You can minimize this fear by remembering that while quitting porn does involve closing a door on one type of sexual outlet, it also opens doors to other types of sexual experiences that can be enjoyable and fulfilling. Sexual behaviors that involved porn and caused you problems, can eventually be replaced with new sexual behaviors that support healthy self-esteem and emotional intimacy, such as with one's spouse.

Identifying the false beliefs that underlie some of your fears, and countering them with truth and reality, is another way to help maintain your motivation to quit. For example, some male porn users are afraid that giving up porn will mean giving up part of their self-identity, even their manhood. They think, I'll be less of a man if I don't use porn. This fear can relate to false ideas about what it means to be a man that were learned in childhood, which were reinforced by porn's messages and never altered. Looking at this belief closely and challenging its assumptions can reveal its inaccuracies. For example, Randy, a recovering porn addict, said, "I grew up thinking that 'real men' looked at porn. When I quit porn, for a while I worried what other guys would think if they found out I wasn't looking at it anymore. Then I realized the truth of it is it actually takes a strong man to overcome a powerful addiction like this. And only a real man who isn't into porn can love a woman deeply."

Saying each of your fears out loud can also diminish their power. When you say a fear out loud to yourself or talk to someone else about it, the fear can start to feel less absolute and imposing. Out in the open, some fears may suddenly seem irrational. You may start to realize that, like anyone else, you have a natural ability to adapt to change, and that despite years of using porn, you are still capable of learning new ways of dealing with your problems. You can call upon friends, support professionals, and other resources to help you. The more you identify and express your fears, the clearer new options for getting your needs met will become.

Regardless of the nature of your fears, getting them out in the open weakens their influence and helps you stay motivated to quit porn. When you start to challenge your fears, and counter them with ideas for making valuable changes to improve the quality of your life, you'll feel emboldened and empowered to continue on your healing journey. Remind yourself that anyone who has been brave enough to quit porn has faced similar fears and came out stronger, because they had the courage to move forward and did not allow their fears to hold them back.

© 2009 Wendy Maltz and Larry Maltz. Adapted from The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, HarperCollins Publishers, 2008, pp. 150-154, by Wendy Maltz and Larry Maltz. This excerpt was provided for GuardYourEyes by the authors. For permission to duplicate or reproduce, contact the authors at www.HealthySex.com.

To see the "Table of Contents" of "The Porn Trap" and to read endorsements click here. You can purchase "The Porn Trap" on Amazon over here.

To be continued...
Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

Contribute
 
Please help us continue helping others!
 
Contribute Securely Online
(Anonymous recurring credit card donations possible)
To donate by phone, call (24 hours): 718-878-3075
 
Checks can be made out to: "GYE Corp." and mailed to: GYE Corp. P.O. Box 32380 Pikesville, MD 21282 U.S.A.
Quick Links