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Why Dov Sometimes Uses Crass Language

GYE Corp. Sunday, 01 April 2012
Part 2/2 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)

The answer to this problem is not more tzniyus. Neither is it more kedushah. For though the kedusha is certainly affected, kedushah is not really the issue, and never has been. And the misunderstood 'tzniyus' is actually part of their problem (for 'tzniyus' just means hiding the problem, to us in that losing struggle with insanity and lust obsession). Who has time to face the truth anyway - building and maintaining the binyan of shekker is really a 24hr a day job. I know this and so do all my fellows in recovery.

Focusing on increasing kedusha is nothing but obfuscating the true problem: frum people who have a porn and sex addiction are living liars. In that state, we are not even 'b'nei Derech Eretz', because we are fakers, through and through. The kil'ayim of our double life is the powerful 'greased shield' that the Mesilas Yeshorim refers to - a subtle leitzanus. A leitzanus of reality, of life, or relationships. The honesty in our relationship with our G-d actually becomes the last thing we need to work on - our honesty to ourselves and to our fellow men (and wives) is always our first order of business. As Rabban Yb"Zakkai blessed his talmidim before he was niftar: "halevai your honesty to Hashem (morah Shomayim) should come to match your concern of what people think of you (morah bosor v'dom)." And he was talking to tanno'im in training! This is why I say that talking of developing morah Shomayim to otherwise frum people with a pornography and masturbation problem, is just encouraging the lie that they really care as much of what the Borei Olam thinks of them. It comes from a lack of awareness on the part of the ba'al eitzoh that these fellows are too busy hiding from people to truly be concerned with what hashem thinks of them! The absolute and consistent honesty with other tangible, live people has got to come kodem kol for any honest hope of recovery from the sex and lust addiction lifestyle.

This problem, once entrenched, is not fixed by kedusha shmuessin and avodah temimoh, because a person who is even faking to himself cannot chap it. The proverbial fox is watching the hen-house. It's time for these men to step back and get Derech Eretz kodmoh l'Torah. And the humility it takes to do that is in itself a tremendous breakaway from the actual subtle gayvoh of considering ourselves "essentially OK, because after all, we are fort 'B'nei Torah!" And typically, when b'nei Torah go on the typical 'teshuvah derech' for what is essentially now more of a mental problem, we only deepen the lie under more layers of mitzvos and ma'asim tovim - much like yir'ovom tried to be a shakul in order to get away with doing so much evil. Gevalt. And their real life is veiter only going on inside their own heads! Yet more fantasy, this time in the romantic struggle that makes real life (their relationships with klal Yisroel, their wives and children) feel even less significant instead of the ikkar that is is. What about the first questions they ask us in Shomayim after 120?

The Derech Eretz is what is missing - the sanity. It is mamesh having the inner keys without having the outer keys, as Chaza"l say. It does not work and eventually implodes. The inner room (Torah) is not really in their possession, either. Because shekker is their best friend. My best friend in those days...

Honesty and openness are the most precious things to be koneh at this point for these people. It's really all they need. Shame will be their death - because their shame even before fellow sufferers And those cannot be achieved by klopping on the bimah at shul and announcing our problem in all it's details! It is inappropriate for the rest of the community - most of whom are normal, it is potentially destructive, and it is silly because normal people would not have a clue what to do for us, next!

Rather, it is only useful to get fully open and honest with other people who are suffering from the same problem - with other frum men who also know habitual masturbation, are dependent on sex with their wives, look at pornography compulsively or worse, and do other such things - but have found a way to live free of it.

But it must be done honestly and openly, without any tamtzis of shame - or else the old way of 'tzniyus' will creep back in. Kedusha and appropriateness is not our problem - it is hiding, lying, and faking. More Emess is the only answer and nothing else. Even if it means saying things that we are ashamed of and should not believe as good Jews - if it is the truth we need to say it, and we need to say it the way we think it. Cleansing the expression of the truth is not really 'keeping bris elyon' - it is sacrificing bris tachton for a chitzoniyus of a bris elyon, for it will not encourage the refuah. There is no sobriety in 'maintaining appropriateness and derech kavod'. And I have yet to meet a single addicted yid who got worse from being brutally and totally honest with other safe addicts like him.

If the Rav has any feedback I will be happy to read it, and I thank you for the opportunity, regardless, and I will be glad to share my phone # if you wish to clarify or discuss anything here with me that way.

All the best,

Dov

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