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Why Dov Sometimes Uses Crass Language

GYE Corp. Sunday, 01 April 2012
Part 1/2 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)

Dov wrote once in one of his posts (which we quoted in a daily e-mail):

Saying that "I am lusting after those women because they are obviously begging for it cuz look at how they are dressed!" is BS. I am reasonably certain that the average slutty female out there intends to be lusted after by who they want to be lusted after, not by some compulsive, perverted Jew boy like me.


Rabbi M. wrote in to GYE as follows:


Dov’s dose is in need of a little clean-up.

I would suggest that “BS” is exchanged for “nonsense”.

It’s not ba’kavodig for such a worthy forum as yours to leave it there.


We passed this on to Dov, who wrote a letter back to this Rav as follows:

Dear Rabbi M.

You recently wrote in to the administrator of GYE suggesting loshon naki in reference to the use of initials for a somewhat vulgar term in one of my posts that the administrator published in a "Chizuk Email".

I want the Rov to know that your input was understood, but feel I need to explain why I maintain that the nusach and shprach are best left alone in the chizzuk emails, even if they are occasionally somewhat vulgar and seem inappropriate to your sensibilities.

Rav Dessler famously talked about nivul peh having the power to bring its user to arayos, presumably because bris elyon preserves and is k'neged bris tachton. In this note, I want to describe why I believe that honest and open truth-speaking will not harm us, but rather, maintain that is the best protection for bris tachton that people like me can have. I am not referring to people who do not have the problem of chronic, cyclical, destructive, and compulsive lust problems. I am also not speaking of wanton or frivolous nivul peh, mind you, but referring to the accurate - even coarse - expression of all the facts about the recovering addict, at all costs.

Please bear with me, I do not know how to be mekatzer and mean no disrespect with my arichus.

It must be faced that the Chizzk Emails are not really addressing an 'appropriate' oilem. Many of the people who want and need this message are b'nei yeshivah and Kolel men (more than a hundred of whom I know personally), Rebbis in Talmud Torahs and yeshivos, and Rabbonim - who are still using pornography compulsively on a regular or semi-regular basis. Many have other destructive sexual compulsions including masturbation, demeaning or demanding sexual behavior with their wives, and I have met many engaged in other such behaviors that run the gamut, R"l. It is where I was 15 years ago, so I know it very well. It is always a lonely, shameful and painful lifestyle.

We so much want to be so good. But we end up living a double life. We heard all the shmuessin through our teenage years, some read Yesod Yosef as the Kitzur suggests, all did this, or did that, spoke to rebbis and therapists who often gave us well-meaning but useless advice...still nowhere to turn but inside. Hak'sil choveik es yodav v'ochelil es besaro.

The common denominator between all these yiddin is that they are hiding their faces, which necessitates a lot of geneivas da'as. Really, it is living inside a binyan of geneivas da'as. This poisons more than the kedusha of that yid - it poisons the family, the job, the simchas hachayim, and the entire avodah is built on a faulty foundation. The fact that every now and then a scandal emerges and lives are ruined, is just a sad symptom of this hiding and lying - it is not the problem. In the minds of those suffering yiddin, the entire structure of shekker is 'a necessary evil' in order to prevent a chillul Hashem, of course. Usually they (we) truly believe that hiding all this from the wife is absolutely necessary - in order to preserve the "Shalom Bayis" we are pretending to have. It is a big and lonely life of lies. It is a full-time job.

But the real reason that these men (like me 15 years ago) hide their problem with all their power, is not to protect Shem Shomayim, the Torah community, nor their families - and not even to protect their own reputation! It is actually in order to protect our ability to keep getting away with it. Of course, we never see our motivation as such, because we truly consider ourselves to be 'quietly struggling giborim' who are unfortunately losing the 'milchomah gedolah' of the Chovos haLevavos. And we all wait, and wait, and wait, looking forward to the day that we will finally 'win' - whatever that means. We all think, "certainly I will not be 65 and still doing this!" A ta'uss for many, and their lives go by while innocent wives are living a lie without knowing it.

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