Monday, 30 January 2012

I can live in the real world without lusting!?

"Tomim" describes the transformation that he and others are undergoing on Duvid Chaim's Phone Conference

by Tomim (See all authors)

For my first few weeks here at GYE, I didn't really leave my house at all (since my work allows for that). The only woman I came in contact with was my mother. Going to the mailbox was risky, as I might get a glance of the female joggers that would be jogging by my house. If I'd go to the bank or to a store, I'd have to give myself a pep-talk beforehand so that I should be able to remain focused during the time I was there. If I'd be hit by sudden lust, I would use one of many methods (such as jogging, doing jumping jacks, taking cold showers, etc.) to get an endorphin rush, which I hoped would compensate for the drug-like effect that acting-out would have had on me.

Only later did I realize that all the measures I was taking were only making things harder for me. The more I fought, the harder things were. It's true that I was able to achieve some clean streaks that I thought were pretty impressive, but ultimately - it all ended the same way. No matter how hard I fought, it could never keep me away from the neediness that was driving me to fall.

When our minds are set on fighting-off lust, and this is certainly so for an addict (as addicts have got very tricky minds), it's easy to slip into the cracks with dozens of excuses. In my case, I found myself slipping and telling myself: "Well, according to the rules here on GYE, there's no reason this should be considered masturbation!". I continued with such "slips" until, ultimately, they turned into falls. I kept trying to learn from my falls, but honestly: There was no way out! I'd fall again and again.

Later it became clear to me that I wasn't dealing with the real issues. SA's 12-Steps makes everything black and white. "Where is it coming from?" we ask ourselves. We identify with the root of lust and accept that it's always been our outlet, our coping method and our drug of choice, so that we can self-medicate and numb ourselves from feeling - from living! We realize that we, as addicts, have manipulated all those around us so that we can "use" them to our best interest in facilitating this cause - "our" cause. We've been taking, using, and abusing all along. We begin to ask ourselves, "What's our motive? Are we giving, or are we taking?".

I started seeing things different when I realized that I don't have to fight. During our very first days on the call, Duvid Chaim told us that we weren't going to fight anymore and that we wouldn't even need to! Duvid Chaim insisted that we can be normal again! Shocked by what I heard, I felt I needed to call him up personally for a more detailed discussion in which Duvid Chaim spelled out for me how the program takes us to a healthy place where I'll no longer need a filter on my computer, where I'll be able to walk the streets, go to the bank, the supermarket, and even look or talk to the woman behind the counter without lusting her. Wow! That was news for me! "I can live in the real world without lusting!?".

Since I've subscribed to the program, my world has become much brighter and much more colorful! True - the program has asked us to see things way past our addiction (where we're talking about a Higher Power, ego, and other stuff). And we're even beginning to take certain steps (we're working on step 4 right now) that are hard and painful! "But what's the alternative?" we ask. It's either go through pain, or have to deal with the sickness itself! Yes it's true that no-one wants to go through chemotherapy! But it's our only option in making it out of this alive! Living with the addiction (even fighting it) is no way of living! We choose life at any cost! For us, fighting the addiction doesn't work. We've got to be better and less selfish people overall! It's our only hope for living!

The attitudes and guidance of SA and the 12-Steps has greatly helped me in getting free from the addiction, and I'm certain that you can get the same results. I'd recommend everyone join Duvid Chaim's Anonymous 12-Step Phone Conference. Everybody knows that Duvid Chaim is non-judgmental, a great source of guidance and knowledge, and an overall great guy who really cares!