One of our members on the forum, "Boruch", used to be against the 12-Steps. He wrote long posts describing why he thought that the approach was anti-Jewish and counter intuitive. One day, Boruch's therapist suggested that he try the 12-Step groups at least once. Boruch was ready to try anything to break his addiction once and for all, and agreed to do as his therapist proposed. And Boruch is the type, that when he does something, he does it all the way.
Today, Boruch goes to the groups twice a week, an hour drive each way. He has learned that the 12-Steps can help a person put the Mussar he has known all his life, into action in real-time.
Let's hear what Boruch has to say recently (edited a bit for clarity):
I knew many mussar books and methods for fighting the Yetzer Hara. I knew them all, and yet in a moment of a test, it never occurred to me to practice any of them. Then I started attending 12 steps meetings and started calling members regularly. At first, when I had tests I did not call. Then, after a while I made my first call to a member while I was in the middle of a test. He asked me why I was fighting the Yetzer Hara and not working the steps. I was totally caught off-guard and was flabbergasted by how original his question sounded. I had been investing hours in going to groups, never once considering to actually use the steps to work through my trials.
So, I agreed to use the steps against future trials. The next test was not long coming and I got ready to surrender to Hashem. I said the equivalent of "OK, Hashem You win, from now on I am ready to do it Your way".
You see, the problem with fighting the urges is that it is counterproductive, it only increases the stress and pressures that feed the urge. Those who depend on emotional willpower and determination to win, will lose as soon as they can no longer maintain the ever increasing emotional strength needed to contain the urge. That's the power of surrender. Not surrender out of weakness, but surrender out of strength and wisdom.
I was taking my addiction personally and it bothered me so much that when the urge struck, all the mussar I knew was out the window, and one way or another, it was almost as if, in my pride, Chas Veshalom, I was telling Hashem, "Get out of the way, while I take care of this one".
Then I joined the 12 steps group, and as I described above, through working the steps on my struggles, I came to realize that the urge to fight and confront the addiction with an all out emotional battle of wills, is as damaging as the urge to succumb to the addiction. That is when I understood that the best way to fight the Yetzer Hara was to nullify my will to fight the Yetzer Hara directly. I realized that I needed to surrender my will to Hashem's will.
As the Rambam says in Hilchos Issurei Biyah 21:19: "yasiya libo midivrei havai vehashchoso, veyifaneh ledivrei torah - Turn the mind from empty and destructive thoughts and channel them to words of Torah". Moving or turning the mind is a smooth process, no struggle at all.
So if we do it our way and it becomes personal, and we try and beat the Yetzer Hara on our own terms, we are asking for real trouble. But thanks to the 12 steps group I joined, I learned to do it Hashem's way. When a test comes, we resist the urge to struggle and we resist the urge to take on the Yetzer Hara, and instead we just immediately, absolutely and effortlessly switch channels to Torah (whether it is the Torah suggested by the Rebbe R' Elimelech in his Tzetel Koton, the drosho of Chazal on "Venishmartem mikol dovor ra, shelo yeharher odom bayom veyovo lidei tuma balaylo- and you shall guard yourself from any bad thing; that one should not fantasies by day and come to pollution at night", whether it is another possuk or mammar Chazal, whether it is a Shiur on a cellphone, or a Rashbo or Ketzos that we remember), we just do what Hashem tells us to do, we focus on His Holy Torah for as long as it takes, and He will do the rest.
Above, "Boruch" described for us some of the methods for dealing with lust that he learned in the 12-Step groups. He discussed the technique of immediately and effortlessly switching the channels of his mind from Lust to Torah in moments of trial. Someone answered him though, that in a moment of Lust there are no 12 steps, there is only Lust.
Here is Boruch's beautiful reply on the forum (edited a bit for clarity):
You are certainly not alone, I heard something very similar from someone else as well very recently. He said that in a time of a test there is nothing else. Now, I was no different than you and him, and before I got involved and invested in the group, I too would have been unable to implement 12 steps in a moment of trial. And like you and him, the very idea of turning my mind over to learning Torah in a time of a test would have been an immense struggle. So on this we are very clear; by default, the idea of implementing anything in a moment of trial is extremely difficult if not sometimes unattainable.
Now how about the people who go to 12 step groups? Last night I went to a 12 steps meeting and listened to one non-Jew after another discuss how he had at one time been totally immersed in addiction all day and now thanks to the steps and the groups, whenever he gets an urge he just works through the surrender to their Higher Power. And they surrender in two ways:
1) They surrender themselves to do His will and not theirs, AND...
2) They surrender to their Higher Power all expectations of ever achieving their cravings and lust.
They discussed how when that doesn't work, then right then and there - in the middle of a test, they call a fellow member from the groups, and if that doesn't help, they attend the soonest possible meeting. As one guy put it, if that doesn't work, he does all three simultaneously!
One guy put it beautifully; "If I can use the 12 steps to beat craving, addiction and lust, then anyone can".
Now we Yidden are holier than any of these no-Jews are, and we have Chazal as well, so how can they do something that none of us could do?
I don't believe the answer is only because of group therapy. Group therapy indeed makes you feel heard, but it doesn't give you techniques and abilities you never had.
So what is the answer? From first-hand experience I can tell you that what is really going on in the fellowship is that you see and hear in the flesh people implement something that sounds very abstract, very remote, and seems unattainable. And when you see with your own eyes that even non-Jews coming from the lowest places are able to do it, and you see that they can keep it up for 5 years, 10 years, 13 years, etc... you finally realize that you can do it too, all you need to do is just join the groups and work the steps together with everyone else and get them from everyone else, especially the long haulers.
The 12 step groups have, over years and years, been proven on the record to be the single most successful system at beating addiction, with the longest sustained recovery periods. So the question becomes, why would anyone who is serious about recovery rule out what has been proven over the years, and instead chart his own course?
Yes, excuses there are plenty. But real reasons there are very few. I myself was initially against both the steps and the groups. But deep down I was ready to go the distance. The proof is, that when someone I trusted and whose judgment I valued told me that I should do it, I did. No ifs, ands or buts. Because I wanted to do whatever it takes. As Guard quotes so beautifully from Rabbi Twersky, if someone has cancer, chas veshalom, what will they not do to save themselves?
You asked why I am so sure of myself if I only have 40-something days of sobriety. I am not sure of myself, but I am at least sure that I am using a proven method.
No one is asking you to choose right now between either committing to joining the groups or ruling them out forever. But I believe we should all be a little more open, a little more ready to consider joining the groups, if and when the time is right.
I plan on attending an SA meeting in the near future (hopefully tomorrow). I am davening that Hashem should give me hatzlacha through this new medium. Boruch has bought the SA white book for me and I have started reading already. I would not have had the courage to go to meetings if not for Boruch, so thank you Boruch for your continued support. You are a tremendous asset to these boards and an inspiration to me personally. You certainly have followed through on your commitment to do "whatever it takes" to recovery and I tip my hat to you. May you continue successfully in your journey to a lifetime of sexual sobriety and have much hatzlacha in all areas of your life.
I was hesitant about going to the meetings for privacy reasons, time constrains as well as personal hesitance (I am more shy than Boruch by nature). After this last fall however, Rabbi Twerski's statement that if a person had cancer, what would they not do to get better? Well, I humbly admit to all those here that I cannot do this alone.
May Hashem grant us all a lasting and enduring life of health, happiness, Torah, yiras shamayim and sexual sobriety.