My dear sister, in this part, I have to repeat that it's just a simple Yid; mr little yechida saying the following, not your husband. So if what I'm about to say upsets you, then be angry at mr yechida here, not your husband, because he's not saying these words. All I can say is that you are dear and precious to me, and I ask you to listen with an open mind.
The hurt you feel should only be when the act of faithlessness occurs. Even if he fought with all his might, and was pushed down hard, you have every right to feel that hurt; that stab of pain when this fall occurs.
But you have no right, no right whatsoever, to blame your husband for the struggle itself; for this lustful urge, this very pull to look at oher women, and this need for intimacy. Be upset if he falls, but to be angry at the fact that he is in this struggle in the first place is wrong – very wrong.
For example, you and your husband have a sheva berochos to attend; men and women separate, but no mechitzah. Or perhaps you are both going to an important appointment. In these places; the simcha hall, the train, or the waiting room, there are other women, some dressed in immodest fashion. Or perhaps you’re both taking a walk together, and a group of girls appear across the street, each one better looking then the other.
You are sharp and observant, and as the saying goes, you were not born yesterday. You know your husband well. You see him struggle with himself, looking at the floor, saying tehilim quietly, staring into a sefer or Yated or Hamodia or whatever. You feel this bitter anger coming up inside you. Not because he is failing his test, but because he has this struggle within him. Shouldn't I be everything to him? Why should his mind and heart go in that direction?
This, my beloved sister is misplaced anger. If he stares at this beautiful woman across the street, then yes, he has hurt you. But what if he doesn't look; looks down, or in a sefer, or forces himself to think of a dvar torah, or daven to Hashem to help him? What if he forces himself to go to meetings, which is the last place he wants to be? Then you are wrong, even cruel for being angry at him. Complain to the Creator that created him!!!!!! You should be proud; he is fighting, he is a warrior. He's trying so hard for Hashem. He's trying so hard for you, his true zivug, his dear wife. You should love him for this, not be ashamed of him for it.
If your husband is here, at GYE, he already feels great shame when he falls. As I said before; GYE is full of Ahavas Yisroel. But it is also a brutally honest mirror. He is staring at his faults andit hurts terribly. It hurts so much, but he is not looking away. He is trying his hardest, figuring out how to fix what is wrong.
So my sister, I'm saying this with ahavah because…it hurts so much to say this…(it's good I'm writing, not speaking, because the tears are coming). I don't want to say this but I have to, out of love. Your husband's struggles do not give you the excuse not to look into the mirror yourself; a GYE type mirror. You may not have these unhealthy sexual-type urges, but like every human being on this earth, there are things that are wrong with you that you need to fix. You must be brave and must stare yourself down, you must force yourself to see the ugly in you, and also look at the good and build on that too. There are many things you need to learn about yourself. It will hurt alot. But it's the only way you will heal, and become a better person, better mother, and better wife.
My beloved sister, if your good, decent, precious husband opens his heart and expresses interest in sharing intimacy with you; think twice before pushing him away in rejection. If he is here at GYE, then you see clearly it's not just a physical need. He wants to connect with you emotionally on a deep level. He wants to tell you things that he may be afraid to tell you and this is the only way he could.
Your dear husband is crying his heart out, desperately needs to hold you, his true soul mate, and cry on your shoulder.
Open your heart and your arms and allow him to do so.
Because this, my beloved sister, is what Hashem wants you, needs you to do.