|
I haven't the luxury of being concerned at all with the afterlife, as I certainly never got sober because of yiras Shomayim, and - though the weight of guilt was devastating - it didn't hold a candle to my insanity. Though I certainly believe in consequences for aveiros, the fear of future pain of this world or of the next - never helped me quit. In my opinion, that is one of the things that shows me that I have a mental illness. It's plum crazy to risk a nice job, a marriage, my integrity, my relationships with my children, and my Olam Haba for a temporary adventure that always makes me thoroughly miserable. While I may have hesitated or even desisted from doing a few lust-related aveiros a few dozen times over those terrible years - that has nothing at all to do with my sobriety. Acting out only 10% of the times I want to is still going to eventually ruin my life - totally. Eventually there will be nothing left...except for that lovely s'char for resisting 90% of the time.... Woopee. That is not avodas Hashem, as far as I am concerned. And sobriety certainly has nothing to do with willpower, for when it comes to lust I have none. Although I am sober over 14 years, I have not gotten any stronger.It was a freebie from Hashem; it is a freebie, and - if I remain sober tomorrow - it will be a freebie. I do not deserve to be sober. So if He gives me no s'char at all for desisting from acting out for 60 years or so by the time I die, I will have no complaints. For it wasn't mine, at all. Besides being a good man, a decent father and husband, and an eved Hashem, I am a recovering pervert, as my wife and many friends in SA know, and I hope to die a recovering pervert. And that is just the way I like it. What madreigah I am considered to be on by my Best Eternal Friend, whether I am looking forward to s'char, or onesh, and all other considerations that I am powerless over are out of my lexicon, thank-G-d. That's all His business now, and forever, not mine. All that stuff is just too confusing and self-absorbing for me and never did me a shred of good in the first place. It is all poison for me. Poison, poison, poison. And I sincerely believe that He wants me to ignore the 'accounting' part of my situation completely and leave it to Him, especially with respect to my lust. What is my business, is what I do with the sober life that He gives me today, and whether I treasure it. |
Still Clean
