How do we help our children?
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk # 1272  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Sayings: Lust is just a symptom
Q & A: Helping Kids Have a Real Relationship with Hashem
12 Step Attitude: 12-Step Workshop With Harvey
Torah: Willing to Die for it
Announcements: Free Hard Copy of GYE Handbook
 
 
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Sayings
 
The difference between most people and a "lust-addict " is that for the addict, it's not the lust that's the problem, rather the lust is just a symptom.
 
Q & A
 
Helping Kids Have a Real Relationship with Hashem
 
How do we teach our children to "live right" with emunah in today's world?
 
By GYE

Aharon emailed us:

Hi Guard,

From my experience, it's clear that long term recovery can only be achieved by "living right" one day at a time. "Living right" can mean different things to different people, but a relationship with Hashem is a core component by any definition. So when considering how to best prepare children for their inevitable encounter with the Y"H of lust, it would seem that beyond all the eitzos of filters, communication with your kids, etc., etc., THEY need to form a relationship with Hashem as early as possible. For me, this did not happen until I began to work on recovery when I was 30+ years old! For my kids, this is at least 20 years too late. I'd be happy to learn with my kids about emunah and hashkafah - i.e. the tools that help me today. But I suspect it won't work the same way at their age, and that something else is probably more appropriate. Is this true and if so, what is the right material or approach?

Thanks,
Aaron

GYE responded:

Dear Aharon,

Good question. We can tell our children:

  • To speak with Hashem as if he was a friend right here with us in the room...
  • To realize Hashem loves us even when we make bad mistakes.
  • To internalize that He only has our very best interest in mind at all times, no matter how bad things seem to be.
  • To live with constant gratitude, even for the little things...
  • To internalize how much Hashem values a real relationship with us; so much so, that when we are distant, He sometimes causes us suffering and pain just to get our attention... It therefore follows, that if we live with constant gratitude and awareness of Hashem's closeness and love, we will save ourselves much pain down the line, because He won't need to get us to come "running to Him" just when things are bad...

Of course, all these ideas are easier said than "felt". But if we talk about these ideas with our children from time to time, and if they see a father who truly believes these things, feels them, and lives with this kind of awareness, then I believe that they too will learn to internalize it.

Also, I highly suggest all parents read our handbook called "Prevention Tips for Parents". It can be downloaded here (right-click and choose "Save Target/Link As").

12 Step Attitude
 

I had the unique opportunity to join a 12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction that was completely out of control. Harvey is Jewish and semi-religious (he puts on teffilin every day) but he said that he definitely believes in miracles, because splitting the Yam Suf was "easy pickin" compared to G-d getting Him sober :-)

I took some notes from the talks, and I'd like to share some of the wisdom that I heard from him. Here are some of the things he said:

 
12-Step Workshop With Harvey
 
Part 1/5
 
By GYE

The 12-Step program is (le'havdil) sort of like Torah she'bichtav and Torah sheba'al peh. The 'bichtav" part of it is the Big book of AA and the White Book of SA (which is a supplement to the Big Book geared towards lust addiction). The "Ba'al Peh" part of it, are the things my sponsors shared with me, and I, in turn, share with my sponsees - and with you here today. Many things we do in the program are based on the oral traditions. They are passed down from sponsor to sponsee.

Read more
Torah
 
Willing to Die for it
 
By Harvey (one of the founders of SA)

It says in this week's Parsha: "Zos HaTorah, Adam Ki Yamus Ba'Ohel"

-Chazal learn from this, "The Torah is not acquired unless one is willing to die for it."

Lehavdil, Harvey ended his talk with the following message:

It is true that we can lose everything by sharing our secrets with strangers in the groups. But chances are it will happen a lot faster if we don't get sober.

Our addiction is a disease, like diabetes. If the wife of a diabetic would tell her husband not to take the insulin because she doesn't want to be married to someone who takes insulin all the time, well, she won't have a husband for much longer!

If we don't put our sobriety first because we're afraid to lose what is precious to us, we will probably end up losing it all anyway. But when we're willing to lose everything and put our sobriety FIRST, we often get to keep everything precious in the end.

Announcements
 
 
Free Hard Copy of GYE Handbook
 
Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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