Can she keep me sober? Should she?
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1876  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Announcements: Emunah from the Inside Out
Video of the Day: Choose Change
Q & A: Spouse of an Addict: A Balancing Act
Daily Dose of Dov: Sober For Ourselves, Not Our Wives
 
 
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Announcements
 
Emunah from the Inside Out
 

What Drives Compulsion?
Addictions & Emuna From the Inside Out
Two-part fascinating workshop/shiur Mon. June 25 and July 2

Join us to learn how a new relationship with stress, fear, highs, and lows supports unconditional calm and resilience.

One thing that drives compulsion is the desire for relief from chronic distress: it's a helpful escape. But what if a person wasn't frightened by distressing thoughts? If he saw them as weather passing thru - that required no escape, that pass on their own?

This is possible through an understanding of Emunah from the Inside Out.

Despite the perception that all kinds of people, circumstances, and events gladden, sadden, and pressure us, there is only and always one cause and one moment sourcing our experience: HKBH, right now.

Join this fascinating two-part series with Rabbi Henry Harris, Founder/Director of the Jewish Center for Wellbeing, respected counselor and speaker, and former Educational Director of Aish HaTorah NY.

Short video samples: https://www.jewishcenterforwellbeing.com/spark.html

When: 12-1:15pm EST, Mondays June 25 & July 2

Live Teleconference: 515-604-9988, code 100167#

Cost: Free

From Israel: 055-966-1090, 100167#

From England: 0330 998 1256, 100167#

Video of the Day
 
Choose Change
Q & A
 
Spouse of an Addict: A Balancing Act
 
By GYE

Dear GYE,

My husband struggles with internet addiction.

Our computer has a good filter (TAG), and it will block a lot of sights that have questionable content. However, I noticed that Ebay has some quite bad pictures which don't get blocked. I wouldn't want my husband to stumble on them. What should I do? Should we have Ebay removed from allowed sights altogether? It would be uncomfortable for me to tell my husband why it has been removed...

How do I balance "lifnei Iver al titen michshol" and "I'm powerless over his addiction"?

Balancing

Dear Balancing,

The balance between controlling and stepping back is a tough one for the spouse of an addict. You may want to discuss this more in depth with our spouse experts (see this page).

You could perhaps simply ask your husband straight out if he feels eBay is safe for him? As much as you don't want to try to control, would you have a lingerie shop in your house?

If your husband is using the TaPHSiC method (which involves a shvuah and doesn't rely only on filters) then he will probably be able to keep eBay. (Click here for a 40 minute shiur on the TaPHSiC method, or click here to read about it).

We push this method strongly on GYE because filters are almost NEVER a real solution. There will almost always be loopholes or unfiltered access somewhere, at some point.

But if your husband IS relying on the filter to protect him, then I would suggest that you ask TAG to block it, as hard as it may be for you. That is a sacrifice you may have to make for your husband's sobriety.

People have lived for thousands of years without the conveniences of eBay and Amazon, so if these sites are stumbling blocks - which they definitely can be, we should get rid of them.

Another option may be to use a smart filter like Nativ USA or www.vcf.co.il which can either block images completely on specific sites, or detect skin color and block parts of images (although I can't vouch for the reliability of this feature).

Hatzlacha!

Daily Dose of Dov
 
Sober For Ourselves, Not Our Wives
 
To someone who was having major marriage issues as a result of his addiction and was considering to go for therapy,
 
By Dov

As far as getting a good shrink, I would do a good week's research on that one if I were you, before committing. Get someone who is experienced with sexual addictions more than someone experienced with Marriage Issues - you can always work out the marriage stuff after you get your head screwed on straighter, and your wife will come to a much healthier acceptance of you and your garbage that way. Going the marriage-focused route has a better chance of keeping the entire issue you have as one that is between you and her - and it has nothing whatsoever to do with your wife. Yes, it has a lot to do with your emotional relationship with her - but the thing that scares me most here, is someone trying to solve their addiction insanity by way of getting a better relationship with their wife. I believe that would backfire because we need independence. We need to be sober for ourselves , not for our wives . And from a frum point of view, perhaps for G-d...

I am fine with doing it "for G-d", but approaching it that way from the very start is fraught with it's own garbage, cuz if we were really that concerned about what G-d wants, we'd never have gotten so screwed up in the first place! Pretending we really have G-d and are 'good' doesn't make it so, and I didn't get very far that way.

You may hear things like "do t'shuvah now, quick! It's Rosh Hashanah soon! It's the perfect time!" from the people who insist on seeing this whole issue as a religious and moral failing and who want to 'fix' everyone. Good luck to 'em. To me, that's silly. The time for sobriety and today's recovery is always now - today - no matter what day it is, and it takes time - like growing up always does... It doesn't go by any 'calendar'.

PS. To me, this post by "jooboy" (to someone having marriage issues) was gorgeous. He wrote:

It seems your real issue is not "what to tell her", but what are you going to do about your problem? If you get help for yourself everything else will fall into place. If you don't get help for your problem, nothing you tell her will make any difference at all.

I relate very much to your situation. When my wife discovered my porn issue she was devastated and so was I (that she found out). I spent a few years trying to control the damage and maker her be OK with me. It didn't work so great. Now I'm spending my time trying to fix 'me' and trying to let go of what she thinks, and overall the 2nd method is working much better.

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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