So Inspiring that I have to hear it again!

We are pleased to offer you the Recording of our Special Guest Speaker - R. Ben Tzion Shafier

On the Guard Your Eyes Conference Call

"The GIFT OF DESPERATION!"

Is your life full of Struggle and Difficulties?

And it doesn't make a damn bit of sense to you! What did I do to deserve this? Where are you now G-d when I need you...can't you give me a break???

Rabbi Shafier taught us these profound insights on the Call:

We become complacent - then we stagnate.

Then a difficulty arises - to challenge us

"We can either Transcend, Crumble - but Choose you must"

We see it as a Curse - but really it is an opportunity to grow

God orchestrates our lives so we can grow

Gave us TOOLS - one of them being Challenges

To hear other recordings of various speakers on the conference calls, visit https://guardyoureyes.com/dc-guest-speakers/category/guest-speakers

I am not an addict, nor an addict in recovery.

When the Rebbe of Aleksander, HY”D, was being led to his death, he explained this Possuk: “L'hagid baboker chasdecha v'emunascha baleilos.” Meforshim explain, he said, when it is ‘morning’ - bright and comfortable - we praise Hashem for His kindness; when it is ‘night’ - dark and painful - we declare our Emuna in Him. The Rebbe asked: in that case shouldn't we say V'emunaseinu Baleilos, being that we refer to our Emuna in Him, not Emunascha, i.e. your (Hashem's) Emuna?

The Rebbe explained: indeed, Emunascha refers to Hashem's Emuna in us! We rejoice when Hashem sends us a ‘night’ - in his case the Nazis YM”Sh - it means He believes in us.

Let's rejoice that Hashem has Emuna in us - He trusts our generation with a Nisayon that He didn't give any previous generation. He knows we can pass this test and will celebrate with us. Hatzlocha, friends. Let’s show Hashem we understand his message.

“Joseph”

Joseph was a 16-year-old student in an all-male religious high school. It was later revealed that, at 9 years of age, an older male had sexually molested him. Since then he has had ongoing sexual contact with a number of males. At first, it was always with peers, but then he molested a boy 4 years younger than himself. He was discovered and referred for psychotherapy. Joseph related that by the age of 11 he realized that there was something wrong with his sexual acting out. When I inquired why he didn’t ask his parents for help, he exclaimed, “I would rather have killed myself!”

I explored with Joseph the reason for this reaction. We eliminated the usual culprits. He wasn’t afraid that they would react punitively or that they wouldn’t be supportive. Rather, since 7th grade he had become a star pupil and a source of tremendous pride for his parents. In fact, his father described him as having been the “apple of our community’s eye.” He was seen as the model that the children of their tight-knit religious community were encouraged to emulate. Joseph couldn’t tolerate the thought of disappointing his parents.

In his younger years, Joseph was a mediocre student while his two older brothers were highly accomplished in their academic studies and in their level of religious observance. In retrospect it became clear that his parents required the success of their children in order to counteract their own feelings of inadequacy. It became Joseph’s subconscious goal to also bring pride to his parents. His motivation for academic success was not the healthy internal drive for accomplishment and growth. Rather, it was the need to satisfy his parents’ unmet emotional needs. This led to the “quest for perfection” where any evidence of imperfection has to be disavowed (Sorotzkin, 1985, 1998). Since his sense of self depended on bringing pride to his parents, the thought of losing this status was intolerable.

Lest someone thinks that this scenario is far-fetched, let me share with you a conversation I had with Joseph’s father many months into the treatment. I commented that it would have been helpful if Joseph had felt comfortable enough to confide in his parents regarding his sexual acting out. “That would have been reflective of a lack of honor for one’s parents to cause them such aggravation,” he protested. He totally rejected my suggestion that giving parents the opportunity to help you solve your difficulties is more honorable to them in the long run. Is it any wonder then that Joseph felt that “killing” his “self” was preferable to causing aggravation to his parents? If he hadn’t been discovered, Joseph’s need to serve as a “selfobject” (Kohut, 1997) for his parents – i.e., to exist for the purpose of satisfying their emotional needs - would have prevented him from seeking help and thus he would have most likely become actively homosexual as an adult.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.