Porn ruined my ex-husband. Porn ruined me. I was married for 6.5 years. My husband was already addicted to porn before we got married. Ever since I got married, I realized something was completely off. My husband constantly criticized me and put me down. I was not pretty enough, sexy enough, and attractive enough. He never liked any of my clothes. Sex felt awkward, took place seldom and far between and often I felt like I was being punished.

It was hard for him to have an erection. I was young and naive. I knew our relationship is off but I could not put my finger on what exactly was so wrong. Mikvah nights meant nothing to my husband; he would not be interested, excited, and often we would not have intimacy after I went to the mikvah. The criticisms became more and more frequent. He would talk about breast implants and hormonal growth shots. I can't describe the amount of verbal abuse he put me through; he made me feel like I am the ugliest person in the world, worthless, and incompetent in every area of life. And when I told him that we need to talk to a Ruv about our situation, he refused. Yet, he found it in himself to confess that he's been watching porn and is constantly masturbating.

He told me he was going to stop watching porn and would like to make this marriage work. He agreed to go for help. For 6 years, while he was getting help, he never stopped watching porn nor did he ever stop putting me down and abusing me verbally and emotionally. It's indescribable all that he did to me. He was as if in a coma, completely self-absorbed, selfish, and emotionally distant. I was so alone all these years.

I was his perfect maid. I was the kind of wife that treated him like a king: took care of all his needs, cooked his favorite foods, did his laundry to perfection, bought him gifts and pushed him to help himself and was very supportive and tried helping him to let go of his lust addiction and all that mattered to him is that I did not measure up to his FANTASY WORLD OF PORN.

We had a boy together, but he was not a father to this child. He had no relationship with him at all. He had a relationship with PORN, not with people. Needless to say, he was not a Yid when we lived together. He had worked with many therapists over all these years. Nothing helped. I would continually find him watching porn. He grew more distant and sunk so low in Yiddishkeit. He never went to shul and stopped going on Shabbos, too. After living like this for over 6 years, I came to realize I can't put up with it any longer, and our marriage collapsed.

The separation shook my ex-husband strongly. He gave up his I-phone then and began working the 12-step program and going to a sex therapist. He also started going to shul. He cried a lot over the damage he had caused and acknowledged that he had sinned so much and treated me badly due to his addiction.

I am writing to you guys: don't wait up until it's too late, up until the damage is irreversible. You have the power to change if you want to. My ex-husband had to hit rock bottom to help himself. Do you really want to be split up from your loved ones? Do you want to go through separation and divorce to start developing real relationships with people and your own flesh and blood?

Get help right now and right here! You need to go for help, but you need to be determined to help yourself! I am writing to you because I care. I care for you, your wife, and your children. And I don't want anyone to experience the pain the way I did.

Wow! I really thought I might never get out of my bad habits. For the first time in at least 11 years, I feel like with Hashem's continued help I can really be in control of what I do, look at, and think about. The feeling of freedom is intoxicating.

The Mishnah says 'Ain Lecho Ben Chorin Elo Mi Sheosek Batorah.' Many people struggle to understand this statement. The Torah is full of laws and instructions; what we can and cannot do, what we should and should not do. Freedom is often assumed to be the ability to do whatever one wishes.

We must first have a reality check. Who are we? We are a Chelek Elokai Mima'al. Our Neshama has been put in our guf for a very specific task. We must remember that we, our neshamos are transcendent. We have the ability to grow beyond ourselves.

When a polar bear is hungry, he eats. He will destroy anything that gets in his way. He cannot say no. He has no control. Control is determined by the ability to say "no." When a person is in this world and does not connect himself to Torah (our strongest link to Hashem) he does what he wants. That might seem enjoyable on the surface, however, he has no control of himself. He gets what he wants, and all he wants is enjoyment. To eat, drink, and be merry. To live "life." But what kind of life is that. We were created to become so much more, so much greater than a polar bear. We have a Neshama, a sechel. Learning Torah gives a person a chance to decide what he really wants to become. It gives the tools to be free to do what you really want to do. Emes Yoreh Darco The truth shows itself. The more you learn Torah, Daven, try to serve Hashem in all the things that you do, the freeer you will feel. You are now free to choose. Uvacharta Bachayim!

Thank you so much to the admin. of GYE. This program gives me the framework that I need to stay clean. The sefer Vehaeir Eineinu has been the most helpful tool for me, combined with the 90-day chart and the sponsor who I knew was keeping track of my progress. May Hashem continue to help GYE help Klal Yisrael and may we see the revelation of Hashem's Prescence speedily in our days, Amen.

Is Change Possible?

The popular notion that SSA is unchangeable (“because it is genetic”) is also part of the gay political agenda. Here again, even if a genetic/temperamental factor is found to be associated with homosexuality, it would still not necessarily mean that it is unchangeable.

There is often a tendency to assume that, if a behavior pattern is related to a biologically based temperament, the pattern is unchangeable…. The fallacy of this assumption is well documented in many areas of psychology…. changes in a child’s psychosocial context can clearly alter how his or her temperament is manifested. (Frick & Loney, 2002 p. 122)

The fact that overcoming SSA is indeed difficult and is often only achieved imperfectly, with incidences of relapse, is also cited as evidence of the unchangeable nature of sexual orientation, thus making the apparent change not authentic. This claim is absurd! All psychological problems are difficult to change. Is it easy to help someone improve his self-esteem? Is it easy to help someone develop confidence? Or to overcome years of abuse? When the person makes progress, do we belittle his progress because he is still struggling? And if he improves with his issue 90 percent, do we not see this as a tremendous success even though vestiges of his problem remain? 12-step programs are considered by many to be the gold standard for treatment of addiction, yet they are very far from 100 percent effective and there is significant relapse. Why is the treatment of SSA held to standards so ridiculous, illogical and dramatically different than the standards to which other areas of psychotherapy are held to? Only because of a political agenda, it seems.

This political agenda has become obvious in the reaction of radical gay activists to scientists who report research findings contrary to the gay agenda. Dr. Robert Spitzer, the prominent Columbia University psychiatrist, was the architect of the 1973 American Psychiatric Association’s decision to remove homosexuality from the list of psychiatric disorders. This decision was based, to a large degree, on the belief that homosexuality was an unchangeable part of the person’s basic makeup. Recently, Dr. Spitzer restudied the issue, interviewing many people who successfully underwent therapy for homosexuality. He then made the following public statement:
I am convinced from the people I have interviewed, that many of them… have made substantial changes toward becoming heterosexual… I think that’s news… I came to the study skeptical. I now claim that these changes can be sustained.

The gay activists responded to this statement, not with reasoned debate, or by challenging his findings on scientific grounds. Rather he was maligned and vilified by gay activists and the politically correct. Therapists have had as much success helping people overcome SSA as they have had helping them overcome other psychological problems. The probability of success with treating SSA is dependent on the same factors (motivation, hope, support, resources, insight, etc.) that success in psychotherapy is always dependent on. So, while it would be inaccurate and unethical to suggest that overcoming SSA is easy, it is equally inaccurate and unethical to say that it is impossible.

One important factor that I find contributes to the difficulty of helping someone overcome homosexuality is the degree to which he has become involved with gay organizations. My understanding of this is that many people with this issue had always felt rejected by their overly critical parents (for reasons unrelated to SSA). The yearning for acceptance had therefore become a primary motivator in their life. When they began to experience SSA they had begun to feel like even bigger outcasts (even if no one else knew about it), intensifying the need for acceptance. When they “came out” and most often experienced even more overt rejection, or at least disapproval, the longing for approval became focused almost exclusively on being accepted as gay, since in their own minds this was their most glaring defect. When the gay community embraces them with an unconditional acceptance that they may be experiencing for the first time, the pull can be intense and very resistant to any intervention even when the SSA is primarily unwanted and egodystonic.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.