Best Way to Block It!
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1790  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Image of the Day
Editor’s Note: Lust Addiction vs. Alcohol Addiction
Video of the Day: The Problem with our phones
Text: When meetings conflict with Sholom Bais - a wife's perspective
Links: Hidden Porn: Apps with Dangerous Doors to the Internet
Torah: Not reporting sexual abuse violates the Torah
 
 
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Image of the Day
 
Editor’s Note
 
Lust Addiction vs. Alcohol Addiction

Hello, GYE!

In yesterday's Chizuk email, we have published an article under this title. Today, a reader (RS) sends us his response:

"I have another perspective on the issue of the difference between lust and alcohol.

"What is normal is a relationship with one’s spouse. Lust is not normal. If one views his being with his spouse as a form of allowable lust, he is acting selfish and this does not create a relationship and is not what the normal is supposed to be. It should begin the other way around. One’s relationship with his spouse should be so caring, powerful, all encompassing, and intimate that it can result in the ultimate physical bond. As an added bonus by Our Almighty, He makes it very intensely pleasurable. When approached this way, it doesn’t even feel like lust. Just the opposite, it is the ultimate in giving, the focus is outward, I want to give my spouse pleasure, show my care for her, make sure she knows how much I love her. By the way, when this is the focus, it is even more pleasurable because this is the way Hashem wants it so this is where He invests the most powerful pleasure.

"So, I think that the difference between what’s allowed and what’s not is not just the quantity or the “with who” and “when”, but rather what’s allowed is a relationship and what’s not is allowed is lust. The lust part is exactly the same as alcohol, from which we need to keep away even from the first drop."

What do you think? Email us by replying to this email.

Video of the Day
 

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The Problem with our phones
Text
 
When meetings conflict with Sholom Bais - a wife's perspective
 
By GYE Member

I am a recovering SAnon (wife of a sex addict). I don't have any groundbreaking advice, but this is my take on the issue of Meetings conflicting with Sholom Bais based on my experience.

This situation is very typical. SAnon rooms are very small in comparison to SA. Mostly because SAnons see the issue as the SA's problem, not their problem or the family problem. Your wife needs help. She needs more help than you. But there is little to do about it - just like there is little she can do about your recovery.

I absolutely agree with Harvey and Rabbi Twersky. Problem is that I wonder if she is even up to seeing an addictions specialist. It is very typical for the wife of an addict to use every effort to keep her husband close. She doesn't want to lose you and she yearns for something that is unfortunately not real and is controlling the situation with that mindset. She has gone through a lot. More than you (even though you don't realize it). By trying to control you and what you do, it is making the situation worse. Not that she is the cause of things at all. But this is definitely contributing to your sickness.

What the biggest challenge to face as an SAnon is to watch the addict go down whether we like it or not. Addicts have to deal with their addiction which is a big deal. But even bigger is the SAnon to let go of everything attached to a sick loved one. The other problem is that it is extremely challenging to keep up with living this lie. Everyone around her has no clue what's going on in her world. She is living in so much fear. I'm sure she is super put together, keeps a beautiful home and the kids look great and she is involved with chesed and has many friends etc. Yet is so so scared of facing this reality. There is a comfort with staying in a place that she knows. Her mind goes crazy thinking about what would happen to her and her life, if this secret was revealed to anyone.

So you are up against something huge.

Consider finding a Rav who is very knowledgeable with sex addiction and/or 12 steps to speak with the two of you together, even if it is over the phone. Rabbaim like these are willing to keep this confidential. (I found that Rabbaim, although well-meaning, if they are not experienced with this, it is more harmful than helpful.) Many wives are open to going that direction first. The approach you could present is 'we are getting daas Torah on the situation.'

Just like you are resistant to listening to what your wife says about your addiction and what you should do, she is resistant to getting involved in her recovery.

The other thing I suggest to you is to pray. Pray for Gd to show you his will, not your will. Gd is open to those who want to do his ratzon. Not only are you powerless over your addiction, but you are powerless over your wife and her thinking. So add that to your step one experience.

From my experience of dealing with SAnons and seeing many addicts over the years. The ones who want recovery, get it. No one stops them.

Much hatzlacha

Michal

Links
 
Hidden Porn: Apps with Dangerous Doors to the Internet

This link will take you to a site outside of GYE network. We have vetted it and found it to contain no objectionable imagery. Nevertheless, user discretion is always advised.

Torah
 
Not reporting sexual abuse violates the Torah
 
Head of Tzohar criticizes rabbis over failure to report cases of sexual abuse in their communities.
 
By Arutz 7

Head of the Rabbinical services organization 'Tzohar,' Rabbi David Stav, criticized on Wednesday rabbis who hush up sexual abuse cases in their communities rather than reporting them to the authorities.

Read more
Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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