For today's e-mail, I want to share an inspiring story that someone sent us. (By the time I had finished reading the story, I was crying).

I first discovered masturbation at about age 15, when a fellow yeshiva student showed me smut. Before hand I had never even considered it at all, I had never even thought of women. This went on for years, and every Rosh Hashana I would swear that I would stop. When I got married I was certain that I would find salvation, but I became even worse, convincing my wife that she could even help me masturbate (when she was ASSUR to me, or didn't want to be intimate) and that she was saving me from AVERAH by the fact that she was involved (so it was "love"). This came after a point when the Yetzer had already convinced me that there was no possibility of abstinence, and I was sure that it was an impossible test made up by some Rabbis, based on an obscure passage in the Torah. I only used the computer to finish the job.

My Torah life, which was very dry and had no connection to Hashem, slowly started to come alive through the very medium that all the Tumah was coming through, and slowly Rebbe Nachman entered my life. Both me and my wife loved hearing shiurim together and I was slowly becoming a better person, husband and father, but I was still was living with the conviction that masturbation was inevitable.

Then one Shabbos, a friend of mine taught me about HITBOBEDUT (Torah 25 in the second half of Likutai Moharan) and he admitted to me how he had once spent time in front of the computer doing forbidden things. "You too?!!" I asked. "But you're a big Tzadik!" He told me how he had been religious on the outside but his inside was totally devoid of Hashem. He had gone to Uman and begged to be cleaned, and at the point of our conversation he was clean already 10 months.

I took this to heart and realized what was missing. I HAD NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED ASKING HASHEM FOR HELP, I WAS TRYING TO FIGHT MY YETZER WITH A PEA-SHOOTER. Over the next 3 days I cried out to Hashem until I felt that I had nothing left in me. I called my friend and he said that I should try learning Torah 282 (Likutei Moharan). After learning it, the excitement was immense. I couldn't sleep till 3 AM, I had never felt so high or positive in my life. At that point, I started to see incredible help from above. I felt that I could beat it hands down. When I was working on the computer and the pre-urge came about, I would leave the computer and do Hitbodedut or make myself coffee. When I came back to the computer, the urge was gone B"H.

I have since been trying to keep my eyes and thoughts clean (not easy), and as both my wife and I become more connected to our Neshamos, we have decided only to be intimate on Shabbat. It's not easy, but B"H it has been already a year now.

Somehow though, I knew that the struggle would continue. I have been abroad lately for over 3 weeks on matters of Parnasah. Hashem has taken all parnasah from me and I am unfortunately returning home with nothing for my family. At one point I discovered a certain fashion publication (underwear) at the home of my hosts, and due to my Ye'ush (hopelessness and despair) I found myself ready to go! I even started touching myself, when I realized what I was doing! I would be cheating on my wife (it doesn't matter that most people don't see self-pleasuring as cheating, IT IS), and I would be cheating on Hashem, destroying a year's worth of hard work for a second hand pleasure that would bring to more Ye'ush the moment I cleaned up. I don't know what miracle saved me, but I have since not allowed myself to be alone until I return home tomorrow.

From my humble experience, as a BENONI, we have not yet destroyed this urge. It is only in check, and the more Torah you learn and the more you keep away from it, the easier it becomes. But the best medicine is LE'HIYOT BE'SIMCHA TAMID (to always remain happy) and connected to Hashem Yitbarach. And if you are, the Yetzer Hara can't even get within your Dalet Amot (4 cubits).

Be sure about one thing. Hashem always loves you and his people are always around, just open your real eyes and you'll be OK.

Behatzlacha

Someone posted on the forum:

We tell ourselves that we want to feel wanted, needed, special. It's a natural desire; everyone wants that, right? Problem is, I'm not getting it in the rest of my life, so I need to find some area where I can feel that... And that's part of the reason we run to the schmutz...

Dov replies:

Yes, there is tremendous warmth and acceptance that we (sickly) find in schmutz, no question about it. And we tend to crave that so much. But our survival mechanism itself poisons us, in the end, and draws us deeper and deeper into stuff that separates us from everybody else! Lust separates us from others in so many ways, on the inside (in our own hearts) and on the outside (through our behavior).

Life is supposed to be grand and gorgeous - just not on my terms. I do need to be special and great - for each one of us is! But not necessarily in the things that we expect.

The glory of being a ben Torah, a husband, a tatty, an eved Hashem was definitely not the way I expected it to be, at all. And I tried to control it all and run the show to make it at that game - and when I failed, I usually ran to my schmutz to make things feel right. I could be a King over there...a real stud, in my imagination. Pathetic, really.

Nu. We can all laugh at ourselves sometimes... Hashem loves us anyway, and perhaps He chuckles the way we chuckle (inside) when our kiddies flop on their tooshies trying to walk - how clumsy they are and how persistent! Gevalt! Hashem - save us from ourselves!!

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.