How is this problem different from all other problems?
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1660  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
12 Step Attitude: Have I done enough?!
Editor’s Note: Recording of Dov's Thursday Call
Practical Tips: Don't just say 'no' to lust, say 'yes' to G-d.
Q & A: Puberty - Talk About It
 
 
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12 Step Attitude
 
Have I done enough?!
 
By Miriam GYE

Esti was living the ideal life.  A successful husband.  A beautiful home.  Relatively happy kids.  Good health.  And she was dedicated to her role as a loyal wife.

It was late at night when Esti called me. I could quickly hear in her voice that she was in a state of shock like a bomb had blown up in her back yard.  In between the frantic breathing and sobbing tears, she told me that she just found out that her husband was watching shmootz and inappropriate pictures and videos on the computer.  She kept asking me, “What did I do wrong?  Was it my fault?  How can I fix his problem?”

Read article
Editor’s Note
 
Recording of Dov's Thursday Call

 

"Why do so many GYE guys do great for a while 

and then lose steam and fail?

What is the addict's actual problem?"

Listen to the Recording here

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Practical Tips
 
Don't just say 'no' to lust, say 'yes' to G-d.
 
By GYE Member

I just want to respond to someone who said that he "just can not say no (to lust)."

I am a member of Sexaholics Anonymous. What works for me is realizing that I am totally NOT in control and only God can get me out of this. Therefore, whenever I feel "I just can't say no," I pray to my Higher Power to take this away, and it works!

I also call a friend, just to get it out. Telling someone that if you had a gun to your head you wouldn't act out is basically saying you are still in complete control, and if that is true, why would you masturbate at all? This is something you don't want and you still do it!

I think the same goes for the Taphsic program - unless your knas is that you will go to SA (like mine was, and therefore I'm so thankful for the Taphsic program) - but otherwise, I think it's denying that you have zero control over lust.

Thank you for everything, GYE!

Q & A
 
Puberty - Talk About It
 
By the.guard

A mother wrote:

My son is a good happy erlich boy. No exposure to magazines or computers. We live in a chasidish neighborhood so he doesn't get to see too much pritzus. I notice he has nocturnal emissions often. How often is normal? Also my younger son who is his roommate commented that he sometimes see him move around a lot (in ways that could be indicative of masturbation) before he falls asleep. Does this need to be addressed?


GYE responds:

We wrote to R' Avi Landa, Mashgiach in TA in Baltimore, who has a lot of experience in this area. We told him that we have these two articles (see below) but that they probably don't address this particular situation, and we asked him what he would suggest.


Rav Landa responded:

These articles provide some resources and knowledge. I think in this case the main intervention should be a good talk with the boy. A younger child (11-13) might be more ok with the talk being had with one of his parents. A boy a little older more often might prefer someone else they can talk to. Either way the parent should approach the child at a quiet and peaceful time (at home or maybe out on a short trip) and in a private and kind way mention that they noticed the boy maturing, and how proud they are of (give examples). Then they should transition to the maturation of the body as well and whether the boy is thinking or experiencing anything different at this time or recently. Hopefully they will get at least a pause, and that's all you need. At that point (since the parent knows for sure that some form of emission, or masturbation is going on), the parent can jump in and say, I (or tatty) would love to have a talk with you about what is happening in your body and why. I can also arrange for you to speak to a Rav, Rebbi, Mashgiach, regarding this topic. It is important for you to understand these inyanim from the true Torah perspective. A time and place should be discussed at that point with no discussion regarding whether the talk will happen but rather when and where and with whom. He can certainly have time (few days) to think about the answers to those questions. To be clear, you are not asking him, would you like to have this talk (it is naturally uncomfortable and he will probably say no thanks)?

It is totally normal for a maturing boy to have emissions. Nocturnal emissions usually refers to a boy having a dream which excites him in the sexual realm to the point of zera coming out, pretty much while he is sleeping (or perhaps wakes up briefly from it). It very well might be that he is masturbating from time to time in bed. Again this is normal adolescent behavior, but since he is then causing it to happen it is assur (the nocturnal emissions might be assur as well if he has thoughts during the day that lead to the emissions at night). Frequency of both emissions, and masturbation vary greatly. It would be wise to keep a basic count throughout a few weeks, of how often you notice it (and once the boy is cooperating and working on it, he can let you know) and discuss with a medical professional to make sure it isn't something to be concerned about.

The approach in my opinion (for the masturbation piece or the thinking during the day that might be bringing on the emissions at night) is for him to have a working understanding of what is going on and why with a person he can continue the conversation with easily and comfortably. This person should then implement strategies with the boy to attempt to decrease the frequency of it happening while also delaying each time it occurs. The goal is to build self control in this area. It is hard but doable, and the longer you wait to work on it the harder it gets. An example of some of these interventions can be found in the first article you linked to, by Dr. Twerski.

His sheltered environment is a wonderful thing. BH he is a healthy maturing boy developing interests and desires which imy"H will be used and directed towards avodas Hashem in building his own bayis through marriage.

--

Avi Landa MS, LCPC, NCC

Talmudical Academy of Baltimore Middle School Mashgiach

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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