The great Reb Yerucham used to say that the honey is thick when it comes to intimacy because of the great importance of the purpose. The analogy he would give is that of the mother who smears honey on bread so that her child will eat. The mother is more interested in the bread than the honey- she wants the child to eat the bread, so she is prepared to make it attractive with honey. The child, however, is interested in the honey- bread alone would not tempt him- and he is prepared to eat the bread in order to taste the honey.

Hashem gives us the sweetness of honey here because He is interested in the real fruits of the male-female relationship- the bringing down of neshamos into the world, and the love and loyalty which should be built in human marriage. When the bread is coated with the honey, it is sweet and the purpose is achieved.

But a naughty child licks off the honey and discards the bread. A generation which defeats the purpose of this most sacred and purposeful designed area of human functioning, seeking to enjoy the honey while rejecting the responsibility, is no better (and perhaps alot worse) than an immature child who throws his mother's kindness and wisdom back at her face. Honey eaten alone is sweet only for a while; it soon becomes unbearable. Tampering with the sweetest dimension of the human experience in a selfish attempt to divest it of its wholesome purpose must lead to destruction; first, the destruction of itself, and later, the destruction of the fabric of self, family and society.

The Torah prescription is simply to eat the bread with the honey. Escape from obligation, escape from the deep and correct friendship which should exist between man and woman, is escape from the spiritual. The Jew's pathway is clear: to take that experience which naturally takes one out of obligation and instead to use it entirely in obligation. To take that experience of free and unbounded abandon, and to harness exactly that function to the deepest obligation possible. That is, to give this gift of Hashem back as a gift; that is the only way to earn it as the gift of eternal freedom in reality.

I've been slipping a lot lately, doing things and going places I know shouldn't. It's so hard to fight this addiction. I feel a desperate need inside me for a loving and intimate relationship. I wanted to know what you think about marriage. It's been on my mind lately, I turned 20 recently, and I don't necessarily feel emotionally ready to get married, and my parents think that I'm still immature. But on the other hand, I've got this high hormonal drive and a desperate need for love. I don't know what to do.

GYE Answers:

Dear fellow addict,

We understand you well. You have a deep subconscious need for love, closeness, and for someone to fill the loneliness and the "hole" you feel in your heart. But it is important to understand that having a girlfriend or even a wife, doesn't fill this void. We all thought it would, but when we get married we see that it's not the way we thought it would be at all. Instead of "getting" all that we thought we needed, we end up having to "give" of ourselves and understand someone who doesn't think like us and has very different needs. And the lust that we thought would finally be fulfilled, is never ever satisfied. The "true love" that can come from marriage has to be worked for slowly, and as we grow in recovery and in "selflessness", the love grows along with us.

The pain you feel and the needs you have are very real. But they can only be filled when we bring Hashem into our hearts. Hashem is the ONLY ONE who can truly fill the void and neediness that we have. If you can find the time, I suggest reading through this recent thread, from top to bottom, and pressing on the links that I posted there (in reply #4). There you will learns some of the beautiful tactics on how to turn the love and longings of our hearts towards Hashem.

Also, I highly suggest reading the SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anon) pamphlet. These are people who felt - and feel - EXACTLY as you do, and they slowly learned the hard and painful way that they will NEVER find - and NEVER get - what their subconscious mind craves so much; not through love, nor through lust, and not even through marriage. ONLY Hashem can ultimately fill this void. May we truly find Him now.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.