Saving the day by getting married

Part 1/2 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)
Won't Marriage Solve my Problems?

by Dov, GYE (See all authors)

I've been slipping a lot lately, doing things and going places I know shouldn't. It's so hard to fight this addiction. I feel a desperate need inside me for a loving and intimate relationship. I wanted to know what you think about marriage. It's been on my mind lately, I turned 20 recently, and I don't necessarily feel emotionally ready to get married, and my parents think that I'm still immature. But on the other hand, I've got this high hormonal drive and a desperate need for love. I don't know what to do.

GYE Answers:

Dear fellow addict,

We understand you well. You have a deep subconscious need for love, closeness, and for someone to fill the loneliness and the "hole" you feel in your heart. But it is important to understand that having a girlfriend or even a wife, doesn't fill this void. We all thought it would, but when we get married we see that it's not the way we thought it would be at all. Instead of "getting" all that we thought we needed, we end up having to "give" of ourselves and understand someone who doesn't think like us and has very different needs. And the lust that we thought would finally be fulfilled, is never ever satisfied. The "true love" that can come from marriage has to be worked for slowly, and as we grow in recovery and in "selflessness", the love grows along with us.

The pain you feel and the needs you have are very real. But they can only be filled when we bring Hashem into our hearts. Hashem is the ONLY ONE who can truly fill the void and neediness that we have. If you can find the time, I suggest reading through this recent thread, from top to bottom, and pressing on the links that I posted there (in reply #4). There you will learns some of the beautiful tactics on how to turn the love and longings of our hearts towards Hashem.

Also, I highly suggest reading the SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anon) pamphlet. These are people who felt - and feel - EXACTLY as you do, and they slowly learned the hard and painful way that they will NEVER find - and NEVER get - what their subconscious mind craves so much; not through love, nor through lust, and not even through marriage. ONLY Hashem can ultimately fill this void. May we truly find Him now.