In the 12-Step groups they say that to recover from addiction you just need two iron-clad rules:

1) Don’t act out, even if your tush falls off!

2) Pick up the phone!

Experience has shown that members who train themselves to habitually “pick up the phone” every time they feel triggered, have the highest rate of long-term success staying sober. Instead of the illusion of connection with the images on the screen, we replace it with the real connection of another human being who understands us and can reassure us that “it will be okay”. We won’t die if we don’t act out.

On a similar note, a recent study has shown that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but rather CONNECTION (watch this video for a 5 minute overview of this enlightening study). Addiction breeds in loneliness and isolation. It removes us from natural interactions with others and replaces them with intense, hyper stimulated responses to objectified people, giving us the illusion of connection. In recovery, we need to re-learn how connect with real people.

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I've related this story many times in sharing my step-work and recovery thus far. Though cliche, it was an important experience because it was mine:

I was at a chasuna. I saw a guy who I really respect, a talmid chochom who is 'different,' knowledgeable in areas that I aspire to and with a respectable bearing while only in his late 20s. I envied these things he had...yet I always felt intimidated around him. I also liked the way his wife looked. (Though, of course, that is not unusual for me...)

Well, so I was at this leibedigeh chasunah and was near the mechitzah (obviously not a chassidishe chasunah anywhere near Villiamsboork!) when his wife came running over to him with a giggle on her face, seeming to be fawning over him and asking for his permission to stay a little longer to have some sort of fun at this wedding. To my roving and (I believed) very keen eye, she seemed the picture of a submissively adoring wife. I was choked. My wife didn't admire me very much - at least not nearly as much as the women in my favorite sex videos admired the men they were servicing...oh, how my life sucked lemons!

And I was also a shtikel talmid chochom and a funny guy, and other good things....why couldn't I have that chelek, too?! I was not angry, just wallowing in well-worn self-pity and desperate for what I do not have. That's lust at its most basic level. Again. It was a very familiar obsession - yet it hurt anew, each time.

OK, so they were divorced six months later.

Where was the fawning, the admiration, and the emotional mastery that this man had over his woman? Gone? Or was it ever really there? I will probably never know.

But SA's White Book has a great line in The Problem (p 203): "Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others."

I do not know what light - if any - this story might shed on the mess in your heart. But I will say this:

We addicts are not smart enough to understand love. Period. And I am not referring to sex here, cuz that's small potatoes compared to the big and real thing. Loving your wife takes lessons. For a guy like me it takes years or lessons. I was a complete nincompoop at how my wife wants to be loved. I thought I had an idea, but I was wrong - that false knowledge made it take much longer. I interpreted so much of what she did as not-loving, or even hating...it was very painful for both of us.

But with sobriety came growth, and though I have a very long way to go, I often know how to love her. Boy is it different than I thought!

Hatzlocha. There are all kinds of beautiful brochos awaiting you (both of you) over the next few years, if you just get your brains out of the way and understand that your feelings are not the be-all and end-all of reality. And admitting that you and I are far from being intelligent enough to foresee the power of real love between two people.

Living one day at a time is sometimes the only proof I have of whether I have real trust (bitachon) and patience. If it takes two or three years to get the knowledge that things are truly good enough for you in this life with your woman, is that too long?

I hope not. That may be par for the course, sir. Hey, it is easy to judge our apparently abysmal lackings against the riches that others seem to have. But looks are very deceiving. And we are not all that smart.

There's a fundamental and elementary piece from the holy Ohr Hachayim that gives a clear perspective on the powerful nature of carnal desire, and helps us understand how Hashem expects us to remain holy in spite of it being against human nature. In honor of Shovavim, I would like to bring this Ohr Hachayim now in a few stages. To see the original text in Hebrew, click here (the important parts are marked in yellow, and the VERY important parts in red).

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.