Dating and Marriage Advice
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1364  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Announcements: Rabbi Harris on Duvid Chaim's call
Image of the Day
Daily Dose of Dov: Priorities
Member's Chizuk: Dating Experience
Q & A: Other important questions
 
 
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Announcements
 
Rabbi Harris on Duvid Chaim's call
 

A Look Inside the Principles of Innate Health

Rabbi Chanoch Harris, Director of the Jewish Center for Wellbeing, has given the first call in a series of 3 lectures. Click here for a recording of the first call.

He will be continuing the series on

Duvid Chaim's conference Line

at 5 PM EST on the coming two Monday's - November 16th and Nov 23rd.

The theme of the calls:

Healthy, Gentle, Powerful Change

It can often look like change is beyond us. In truth, it mostly requires an openness to looking in a new direction. Join Rabbi Henry Harris for an exploration of a simple truth: that people are healthy, that despite our being prone to stumble and lose our way, we were designed - right now - to experience the Divine gifts of Emunah, humility, and acceptance – the greatest drivers of joyful freedom, well-being and growth.

Rabbi Chanoch Harris is the Director of the Jewish Center for Wellbeing. He has worked extensively with adults seeking to find freedom from unwanted behaviors and integrate life-changing wisdom. Prior to his founding the JCW, he worked for 14 years as the Educational Director of Aish HaTorah in Manhattan.

Please Join us by calling:

From U.S: 641-715-3836

From Israel: 076 599 0060

From U.K: 0330 606 0520

Participant Access Code: 637207#

To LISTEN TO ALL OUR AMAZING GUEST SPEAKERS, CLICK HERE.

Image of the Day
 
Daily Dose of Dov
 
Priorities
 
By Dov

As an addict, my life was basically taken over by lust. My life was in the toilet. and that means that so was my davening and learning. Not a nice place for those things, right? Getting clean is simply the #1 priority for an addict. Nothing else really matters. No, my learning and davening did not stop (what kind of a yid doesn't learn or daven at all?) But I made changes in them to try and focus them on gaining sanity and sobriety. Any person with a severe disease understands this, I think. The refuah you desperately need takes over your entire life, plain and simple. And the main thing I needed, especially early on, was getting out of my head and letting go of self-concern whenever possible. That can only be done by doing for others without thoughts of repayment of any kind.

I am sure I made many mistakes along the way (may Hashem protect me and forgive me for any I make today!) and I will screw up at times in the future, but we keep our eye on the prize, that's all: Priorities. For some people, getting clean is not a question of lichatchila or bidi'eved - it is really pikuach nefesh.

When I was finally tired of living my own life in my own cave, I started asking Him to help me start living His life.

It bothers me a bit when some folks act as though they have to be on a high madreiga to recover, since recovery is based on giving your life to Hashem. I don't believe that approach would work for me. "Living His life", "being with Hashem", and "giving myself and my struggles to Him" does not necessarily mean that we are becoming kedoshim, in the traditional sense. But it does mean that we are going in that direction. Now, maybe I am wrong, but I prefer to be wrong then, 'cuz this attitude is working for me so far, thank G-d. The ultimate truth is none of my business. Reconciling my "Hashkafah" never got me anywhere but deeper into my gehinom!

It's strange how - as frum addicts - we can be doing the "frum things" while being on the down elevator. The stuff we do must slowly change to have a completely different flavor in recovery, b'ezras Hashem.

Member's Chizuk
 
Dating Experience
 
By Tomim

I'd like to share my personal experience with dating. It's no secret that one of the main motivators that brought me to GYE in the first place, was the very simple point that I don't want to bring this into a marriage. Till I came here, I was in a bubble of delusion thinking that this is called "sins of youth" because it's only a problem when we're young. Once we get married, have a wife, a family, responsibilities, etc., things change. I still remember the feelings that shot through me when I first read the stories here on GYE written by married men. Then I looked at the 90 day chart and counted up all the married men still struggling with lust. Boy was I in for a surprise! It opened up a new way of thinking that I never had considered - "If I don't deal with this now, I'll have to deal with this later! It isn't going to go away on its own."

Read more
Q & A
 
Other important questions
 
Do I Like My Wife??
 
By GYE

Someone emailed us:

Besides for struggling with this addiction, I keep seeing other women and wondering if I married the right one. Do I really like my wife? Do I click with her? Am I really attracted to her? It’s driving me mad. Also, always being together with the same person becomes like a chore after a while. How do I rekindle our intimate life?

GYE Responded:

Dear Jew,

It's not about rekindling your intimate life; rather, it’s more about a complete change in our attitude. As long as we don't have full control over our addiction, we are not letting go of lust and no woman will ever be enough for us, not our wife, and not 20 other women either.

Along these lines, someone recently posted on the forum:

R' Chaim Wosner writes in his sefer "Reai Chaim" about this problem, and what he writes basically is,"stop staring at the girl in the bank and you will see how your interest in your wife will come back".

See also this page of our FAQ

When we begin to heal from this addiction and start working on our giving, our marriage takes on a whole new meaning.

We can all learn a lot from Dov in this respect. He has posted some really beautiful pieces about his marriage, and the transformation his relationship has undergone as he let go of "lust" and began to focus more on living for others… Here are a few powerful posts from him that I think can help you get some good perspective:

- Please read "What can I do for You" in Chizuk e-mail #534 on this page.

- Read also Dov's response in e-mail #550 on that same page as well.

- And read "The Currency of Marriage" in Chizuk e-mail #606 on this page.

Read also the book "In the Garden of Peace" By Rav Shalom Arush. It has changed many people’s lives and marriages.

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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