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The reason that the 12 steps are not about our lust problem (beside for the simple admission of our lust illness in the first step) is because our avodas Hashem/sanity/approach to life cannot be about fighting lust either. Focusing on fighting lust means we are probably thinking about it all the time (not a good idea). To me, it also may mean that I am not serving Hashem. ("What?!", Calm down... that's better :-). What I mean is, that I do not believe Hashem wants me to make the struggle with lust the focus of my life. Leave the romanticized and glorified pulverization of the Yetzer Hara to those more qualified, thank-you. I'm just a measly addict, anyway... What I believe my Tatty wants of me is: To serve Him. To live for Him. Making the struggle with lust my raison detre' is just as wacky to me as those guys who work out 18 hours a week and spend another 18 hours a week organizing their organic meals, another 5-10 hours reading about improving their health...I always wonder: what are they living for? to be healthy?? Doesn't it make more sense to be healthy in order to live?! Anyway, you see that's insanity, no? There must be balance for a normal person, right? Well, for me, an addict, the balance bar goes a bit the other way, believe it or not. I can't afford to struggle with lust as much as a normal yid can. For me, lust needs to be even farther out of the picture, even more remote. As much as possible, I need to keep the issue of whether I lust/not lust, act out/stay sober, come in contact with inappropriate scenery or not, etc, Hashem's business, rather than mine. True, I have to be wise, honest, take whatever steps needed to avoid it... But I just can't afford to make a big deal of it. The thing I need to make a big deal of is this: Doing His will for me today. Exactly what is that? Well, think about it, for it's a big deal. It's actually the biggest deal. Again, not "what does He want me to do with my life", but just with today. On a good day, that is my main concern, as much as possible. That's my business. Sound simple? It is. Yes, I know what it's like to be mentally bombarded with old lust images, euphoric recall, and images of the women on the street. I am aware that once lust ideas get into my head it becomes very hard to think of anything else, especially avodas Hashem. That's why I generally do not let them in - in the first place. But thinking about not thinking about them is just as dangerous for me. When I screw up though, and the lust gets in, I use the tools we talked about: - Calling someone and admitting it. This kills the secret and ruins it's power (see the tzetel katan of Rav Elimelech of Lizensk), - Thinking about what I really want from this image / lust pursuit, i.e. true pleasure, acceptance, and love. - Admitting that the lust can't give it to me. - Then asking Hashem to give them to me, cuz only He's got 'em all. Whatever. There are many, many tools. But they are all ultimately half-measures. And, as they wrote in AA, "half-measures availed us nothing." Which I understand this way: If the main thing we are doing is fighting to stay sober,where's the beef? When does the avodas Hashem start? When does living start?! True, once we are in trouble, getting away without giving in to the temptation somehow, is technically in the category of avodas Hashem. But for an addict - of all people - I find that making that into a "lifestyle" is completely unacceptable. In fact, In my case, I don't even look at it as in the category of avodas Hashem any more than I view catching my balance when slipping. Getting away from the temptation is purely selfish (enlightened self-interest perhaps, but selfish nonetheless). And I wouldn't have it any other way! |
Still Clean
