Clean House and Return
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1308  
In Today's Issue
Image of the Day: Don't Go It Yourself
12 Step Attitude: Personal Housecleaning
Q & A: Is Masturbation Bad for You?
Torah: Do Not Repent
A Winning Attitude: Principle 4: Hitting bottom while still on top
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Image of the Day
Don't Go It Yourself
Don't Go It Yourself
12 Step Attitude
Personal Housecleaning
By Duvid Chaim

Here is a summary of the call - by "Moti" from Duvid Chaim's group discussing the 4th step. There's a lot we can all learn from this summary, even if we are not part of this unique phone group. (To join the group, see this info).

Opening Of The Call

� The power of the fellowship of program was discussed; 2 participants had gotten tremendous value from a private call they had yesterday.

� Until now, the focus was Steps 1, 2, 3 the A-B-D s" of the Program - A dmit - B elieve - D ecide. We now moved on to Step 4 (Chapter 5 of the "Big Book") which begins the hard practical work part of the program; taking on the underlying causes of the addiction. A parable is used of a "red onion", where the lust is merely the outer layer of the onion. From step 4 and on we learn to address the underlying layers that fuel the lust, which are mainly R.I.D (R estlessness, I rritability and D iscontent).

Step 4 - What Is It

� Personal Housecleaning - "To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves".

� A parable was given of doing a business inventory. It is common sense in business to take inventory, and if we have bad goods on the shelf then we remove them. In same vein, we need to search for own flaws (inner layers of the onion). Honesty is the key.

� The main source of our flaws is resentment.

Resentment - What Is It

� Duvid Chaim explained this very clearly and succinctly. Resentment comes when we are not treated as we expect to be treated.

� Our level of resentment is in direct correlation to our level of expectation from the other person. This is why our resentment is greatest with those who we are closest to, and who we love (wife, children etc.). You do not resent strangers because you have low expectations of them.

� Resentment is a major cause of spiritual disconnection. When we try to be in control and play Hashem (trying to be the controller in the control tower) and others don't do what we expect of them, then we experience resentment. Like we've discussed before in the group: "We need to fire ourselves from being our own bosses and make HaShem our boss".


� Duvid Chaim distributed a "Review Of Resentments" worksheet for us to fill out, in which we itemize who we are resentful at, the cause, and its affect on us.

� When doing this moral inventory, the key is to stop using logic (which is the highly developed mode of thinking in the Yeshiva world) and instead get in touch with our feelings. Dealing with these feelings properly helps to evaporate the lust.

Q & A
Is Masturbation Bad for You?
By Alexandra Katehakis, Staff Clinical Director, MFT, CSAT, CST

For copyright questions, see this disclaimer.

Masturbation is a funny word. It might make you giggle thinking about the first time you got caught by your parents or caught your little brother in the act. It can be a great way to release tension, or a way to stay satisfied when you can’t be with a partner. For most of us, it’s simply a part of life and a component of healthy sexuality. [All this being said, for frum Jews it still an aveira punishable by Misah bidei Shomayim, as in the case of Er and Onan - GYE ed.]

For others, however, this harmless behavior crosses the line into a compulsive activity that is anything but benign. Some become so dependent on the behavior that they lose hours and hours of their day, unable to leave the house. Others masturbate to the point of injuring themselves.

Choosing masturbation over intimate relationships, the person can become isolated, or end up spending all their time and money on porn to further fuel their compulsive behavior. Still others become addicted to the point where they find themselves unable to control the urge to masturbate in public or otherwise inappropriate places. This is addiction, and it can have just as grave, debilitating consequences as drugs or alcohol.

Often when a child undergoes abuse or trauma (no matter where it may fall on the spectrum of intensity) there are not sufficient outlets for all the rage, despair and grief that results from the betrayal. It is simply too overwhelming. Sometimes there are also explicit or implied rules about keeping silent, leaving the child with no one to turn to for comfort. The child may place the needs of the abuser(s) or dysfunctional family members above his or her own needs, opting not to rock the boat.

These emotions do not go away. Rather, they create an inner turmoil that demands self-medication, and without access to therapy or support, the wounded child may turn to addictive behaviors or substances to control the feelings.

Of course, when you are a child, there is a limit to the ways in which you can self-medicate. Masturbation is one of the most accessible and available forms of numbing out, because you rely only on your own body to produce the intoxicating chemicals that soothe the pain. In that sense, it is a unique kind of high that money can’t buy. For many sex and love addicts, masturbation was their first drug.

In order to recover from compulsive masturbation, working with a trained sex addiction therapist can be indispensable. Learning to identify exactly how and when emotional states get sexualized is an important first step.

Anxiety, fear, jealousy and other primal emotions can immediately trigger the need to pleasure oneself, often so quickly that the addict does have time to make the connection between the stressor and his or her reaction to it. Eventually, however, the person can learn to self-soothe in many different ways, instead of relying on the one overused comfort mechanism. This restores masturbation to its proper place among healthy human behaviors.

Do Not Repent
By Net

Do not repent. Repentance means to stop being bad and to become good. Instead, return. Return to the essential self and to what is rightfully yours. This is what we call T'shuva.

Read more
A Winning Attitude
Principle 4: Hitting bottom while still on top
Do you think you may have a porn addiction?

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit (Hebrew: / Yiddish:

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit

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