Sunday, 09 June 2013

Why does an S-Anon need to work a 12-Step program?

How does a co-sex addict "act out"?

For an appeal to the Rabbonim about the need for frum women to embrace S-Anon recovery, we refer you to a collection of letters by an S-Anon member to Rav M. Salomon, Shlita.

by Miriam GYE (See all authors)

Many partners early in recovery don't believe they have any problems of their own. It is the sex addict who has all the problems, not them. Granted, his addiction is usually more devastating and definitely the priority early on for the couple's survival. It takes a while, but usually when the addict stabilizes in his recovery, it is about time to look at yourself.

An addiction in its simplest form is using something or someone to medicate feelings. Another definition is, "If the behavior doesn't make sense and they keep doing it, it is probably an addiction." Both definitions have fit many (not all) partners of sex addicts or as some call themselves in many 12 Step recovery groups "co-sex addicts."

How does a co-sex addict "act out"? There are many different ways this can actually happen. Here are only a few:

1. Spiritualizing the problem
2. Checking up on him
3. Scoping out women he might be looking at
4. Looking for more proof
5. Not being able to separate from him, even when it makes sense
6. Spiritualizing or rationalizing staying together when he is not recovering
7. Feeling threatened or insecure around other women when you are with him
8. Trying to think about what he "might be" thinking about
9. Being controlling
10. Not having sex or being hyper-sexual
11. Pretending you're in a perfect relationship
12. Changing your boundaries with your partner
13. Shaming him
14. Rages
15. Sarcasm
16. Hitting him
17. Fantasizing about him acting out
18. Using his problem not to deal with your feelings
19. Reinforcing your fears of abandonment
20. Other ______________________________
21. Other ______________________________
22. Other ______________________________

If any of these are your acting out behaviors, you can circle them for future reference.

Join Miriam on the Spouses call to learn how to deal with these issues.