I have just started a clean streak for the first time on GYE last week while my wife was overseas. Today she returned home, and today was my most difficult so far -even though my wife looks like a million dollars. The Gemara teaches that the yetzer should be brought to the beis hamedrash not to the chupa. Sorry guys, but the only solution is Torah.
Well, I for one agree with this fellow, that true love beats the heck out of looks without true love. The prettiest thing I can ever see in my wife is that she truly loves me (not necessarily approves, but loves me) totally and unconditionally.
Mutual love also seems to naturally grow out of living together with my wife while I am free of the bonds of lust.
But by the same token, while the answer to living free of the tyranny of lust must be in the Torah, saying that "Torah is the answer" is ikkar chosair min hasefer (misses the point), just as saying that "seeing the beauty in my wife is the answer to a better marriage" misses the point. The beauty can be there - and so can her love and devotion - but as long as lust is in me, I cannot see it. I could neither see, nor use the answer that is in the Torah, either.
Thank G-d I am sober today!!
Those who know me on this forum know that I know a bit about learning - and trust me - it doesn't help; not even one little bit, for an addict. Addicts need addiction tools, not Torah.
I gotta be honest with you, I have tried the "Torah tavlin" thing, and sometimes it's not enough... Maybe it is just because I'm an addict, or maybe because I'm so farshmutzed... but either way, I can learn for 3 hours straight and then fall 20 mins later...
You know, I really can say I have had the same experience. Interestingly, some of the worst tekufos in my learning had little or no falls/slips, whereas some of my best tekufos in learning were full of uchy things. I just don't know what to say.
With Hashem's help, I do know what to say. I hope...
Chazal tell us that "derech eretz kodmo laTorah". Though this statement means many things at a historical perspective (referring to the years before matan Torah) as well as at a personal level (middos of a person), as is explained in s'forim, it has special meaning for me, an addict.
On a simple and personal level, it draws a true and useful separation between serving Hashem by knowing His Will (Torah), and being a healthy human being - also presumably His Will. "Choviv odom sh'nivre'u b'Tzelem" is for the human being as he was intended to be, not just for the Jew. That is called "M'daber". A Jew is a highermadreigo than M'daber and is who the Tanna is talking about in the next piece when he tells us "chavivin Yisrael sh'nikre'u bonim laMokom!"
Let me back up a bit. Many have been shocked about and damaged by the horrible behavior of some frum yidden. If Torah is matzil umeigin and machzir lemutav, then why doesn't their learning/teaching Torah and davening to Hashem keep them kosher? The answer of "well, there are always bad apples" was always fine for me - until I saw my own horrible behavior in addiction. Soon that answer just didn't 'cut it' any more... I was vexed: "why isn't it working?"
The s'forim (Nefesh Hachayim and others) tell us that before learning Torah we need to remember yir'as Shomayim, Ahavas Yisroel, the mitzvoh of Talmud Torah, and that we intend to bring what we learn into action, and to do t'shuva for our aveiros as best we can.
Many have answered the embarrassing and upsetting problem by figuring that in one way or another, those people just didn't have these hakdomos to their learning. In other words, that they did not have Fear of Heaven and love for their fellow Jew, did not intend to actually do what they were learning, and carried their aveiros with them into the beis hamidrash. Nu. Sounds possible... but it is a tall order, no? How many people do all that before learning? So why aren't we all so screwed up? ...maybe we are? But I digress.
It seems to me that the issue of "what's missing?" is much more basic and is underscored most clearly by the frum addict!
It seems to me that the hakdomos to learning Torah for any yid have a common denominator: reality check. Hashem is the Master, so we ought to (OK, "must") do His Will. We (all) have strayed from His Will and we need to admit that fact to ourselves.
Who are we individuals? We are each another piece of this corporation called K'nesses Yisroel, whether we like it or not (see ch. 32 of Tanya if you are so inclined), so all we do is in that context. Fear of Heaven should be a milsa zutresa: for crying out loud, HE'S RIGHT HERE!! One would think it is just natural for a yid to be aware of that, and more acutely so when preparing to face His Will (learning Torah).
How can we not at least try to do a little t'shuvah and then say "we want to keep this stuff, so here we go!" before learning?
OK so far?
What does it say about us that/if we don't?
Something is missing in our accurate perception of reality.
It's a bit like psychosis on a very small scale. For Jews, this is a lack in our basic soundness of mind. In other words: Our sanity.
For whatever it's worth, I think that on a personal level, Derech Eretz is basically sanity, or "soundness of mind". What the RMB"M might refer to as basic "cholo'ei hanefesh", and deals with in his Shmoneh P'rakim.
An addict is basically nuts. How can we risk so much, ignore so much, live so duplicitously, cause so much pain - and tolerate so much pain - for so long? And we act as though everything is just "peachy" in shul, at home, in the b's-medrish, etc. our priorities and thinking obviously need some major adjustments, to say the least.
We need some manner of recovery.
And the second step aptly reads: "... to restore us to Sanity." For that, in my opinion, is our real problem.
Our problem is not in our "Torah" per-se, but rather in how we approach our "Torah". Our problem is the Derech Eretz - the sanity - that sets the table for Torah to actually work in us.
So consider quitting banging your head against the Torah and look into yourself for the answer, instead. The most basic problem with myself and the addicts who I know best isn't a specifically Jewish nor a Torah problem, at all. We are a bit cracked. And the Torah doesn't even begin, for a shoteh.
We need His help, and we need it now.
I hope this made sense to someone...
The missing ingredient for us frum guys to recover is not the "l'shem Shomayim" part. We know that idea already (though we are so upset at how we fail to put it into action, still doing crazy aveiros on a regular basis, etc.).
The one definite missing ingredient for me (and per AA, for many other addicts) was the "l'shem Atzmi"! Enlightened self-interest, as AA puts it.
I always thought that the struggle of lust was between my doing what Hashem wants me to do, or not doing it.
I never got better that way.
I see now that I was completely wrong.
When Hashem brought "kol mageifosai el libecha", I got the missing ingredient. I began to actually do what is best for me, for a change. And since then, I've been getting closer to Him than ever!
In recovery, the struggle of lust is actually being good to myself vs. punishing myself. It's a self-centered affair, really.
As Dovid Hamelech said, "Ainai tamid el hashem, ki hu yotzi mereshes raglai - my eyes are always to Hashem, for He will extract my feet from the trap".
I attach myself to Hashem because he saves me.... enlightened self-interest is not such a bad thing, it seems. (Especially if you are shayach to malchus, like Dovid Hamelech, who recognized that he has nothing of his own anyway).
Once I have a "me", I can give that "me" to Hashem.... not before. And I give Him most of the credit for getting me there, and keeping me there.
I hope this is a bit clearer. Do you see how it's the same thing I was always saying? My very first post on GYE was about this, too.