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The Little Kid in the Back Seat

GYE Corp. Tuesday, 13 December 2011

I do not expect any uplifting feelings or enlightenment when I "give up" looking at a lust image or whatever. I do not expect any spiritual growth, at all.

All I expect is for Hashem to help me stay sober today and not use lust very much. I will try not to use it at all, of course, and ask for His help with that. But whether I come through the day clean in every way, or bloodied and a mess, I will have real joy in my heart that I am still sober when I go to bed and will hope (and ask) for His help to do a better job, tomorrow.

BTW, the only spiritual growth I have ever had that has real traction, has been through living this way. The whole thing about being aware of my madreiga was always just poison for me. It was another way to imagine that I was in the driver's seat. Now He is in that seat and I am the little kid in the back complaining he is carsick. Nu, but at least I have stopped asking Tatty, "Well? Are we there yet?!"!