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The addiction is really a gift in disguise

GYE Corp. Wednesday, 21 March 2012

I was frum before and I'm frum now, but it is clear to me that my relationship with Hashem was not personal and not real to ME, before sobriety. All addicts who recover through AA feel the same way, it seems. So I say, without what you call "the Yetzer Hara" - I call it "our addiction" - I obviously would not have had a true relationship with Hashem. This was because I did not perceive that I needed Him, period. So in this respect, the addiction is our friend. After all, who needs Hashem when they think they are OK?

The single most powerful Emuna/Bitachon tool in my life, came through sobriety. Especially early on. Learning moved me a great deal, but I was not able to put it into practice, particularly when lust was involved. But... actually experiencing Hashem helping little me stay sober in the moment, did the trick. Then slowly, the Torah I had learned began to blossom, and it still is.

At first this was distressing: "why couldn't I learn these things and really believe them like everyone else I know does (I guess)?!" As Guard wrote, I may have known it, but I was not able to live by it!

But after really finding that I was successfully using Hashem's help every day, it dawned on me: "who cares what event brought this awareness into us? What matters is that we definitely get (through recovery) what the tzaddikim were trying to teach us about.