Sunday, 12 February 2012

Stop Surviving & Start Living!

Uri wrote on the forum to someone who had a recent fall well into their journey to 90 days, and was feeling really down about it:

by Uri (See all authors)

You're not to blame.
Hashem has given us an illness.
Simple as that.
You were handed today's fall.
He gave us this sickness because if we approach it correctly, it can lead us to the greatest heights!!
Through the sickness & From the sickness!
You're not a bad person.
Chas veshalom!
In fact, I can't imagine calling anyone on this forum "bad".
Struggling souls.
Yidden with the amazing courage to face their deepest secrets and insecurities.
Bad?
The HOLIEST OF THE HOLY!!
G-d is not angry at you for falling.
I can pretty much promise you that.
He's obsessed with you!!

You think 90 days is what it's all about?
I am finally living a more lust-free life than I have lived in a long time.
What counts is that I am clean today!

The therapy... is where its at.
Duvid Chaim's phone calls...
Reshaping our perspective on Hashem and life... is what it's about.
Connecting with people... is where it's at.

I think the real turning point for me in not getting tortured by my falls was when I realized that my life had become about falling or not falling.
And my addiction therapist said STOP.
Since when was life supposed to be about "surviving?"
Another day making it without acting-out or going crazy?
I was always worried about one or the other.
Either I was acting out or trying to survive without acting out.
And life SUCKED.
Because I wasn't able to just live life with all my heart and soul.
I wasn't able to relax.
It's like I was always drowning and trying to keep my head above the water.
But everyone knows that when a drowning person struggles, he's in great danger.
The way not to drown is to just "let go".
Let yourself sink.
And you'll naturally float back up.
By struggling, you're just wasting all of your energy.
And at that moment, I firmly decided that from then on, I would start living.
And the past weeks have been so beautiful.
I can breathe in the air freely.
I spent half the afternoon the other day rolling down hills with my younger siblings...
A freedom I never thought I would have.
I have just started living.
Not "surviving".
And it's beautiful.

Now when I fall (which incidentally is much less often) I just say to myself,
"I guess I'll have to work a little harder on connecting to life again".
I don't have to go crazy.
My life is not dependant on acting out - or not.
I'm just... LIVING