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Reality Check: "I Can't Control Me"

GYE Corp. Sunday, 12 February 2012

First of all, I'd like to explain why I probably fell. I am pretty sure it is stress related and I was trying to escape the pressures of the stress. Second order of business is, to explain the two reasons why perhaps it was necessary for me to fall:

1) I needed a reality check; a smack in the face. This has been my longest streak in a while and it's no secret that it's thanks to the 12 step program that I am attending (with Duvid Chaim over the phone). I thought I was doing so well that I was in control of it; that I would never fall again. This could not be further from the truth. Hashem wanted me to fall in order to realize that I REALLY AM NOT IN CONTROL. And every time we think that we can control this, He is going to give us a nice fat reality check in the form of lust.

2) I needed to really understand the first of the 12-Steps, that "our lives had become unmanageable". When I went through this step originally, I didn't hesitate to answer yes, I fully believed it, and I even preached it. But I didn't really understand what it meant. Yesterday, for the first time in my life I started crying because I fell; right afterwards. I am not a very emotional person, so when I cry something's gotta give. My life is completely unmanageable like this. I need Hashem to control me; I can't control me.