My 7th Mitzva T'midi

GYE Corp. Wednesday, 01 February 2012

I have come to see that there really is something broken with me and that I need Hashem's help to be saved from it. I am an addict. That is the 1st step, as I do it.

And I do it every day and all the time, whenever I remember. It's no big deal, it's just the truth about me. Just like doing the six mitzvos t'midios for any Jew. That's life. This is my 7th mitzvah t'midi, that's all. This is not a cute vort, a metaphor, or a moshol. It's the plain truth, or else I'm fooling myself and soon I'll be dead.

And talking about it whenever possible, helps keep it alive in my mind. It's the difference between Chochma and Da'as - Da'as is a continual awareness that makes the knowledge real, natural, and usable in life. But enough shmuz...

The only reason I need for why I acted out on my lust addiction and "became" an addict, is: I am an addict.

And the only reason I am aware of that I'd ever act out again now, is that I did not take care of myself by adequately working the 12 Steps in my life. And that, of course, includes the 1st step (admission) that I mentioned above.

Of course, if you embark on the journey of 12 Step recovery, you'll understand what I'm talking about a lot better, so perhaps it's best to wait to go into details until then...

When I share how - and what - I do when I act out, I tell people "what I do when I act out" (not what I "used to do", or "did"), even though boruch Hashem I have not acted out in years, because I have no evidence that I can't do it again. I learned this from my sponsor.

Like many addicts, I have plenty of ga'avah telling me I won't do it again, but no evidence, at all. So I don't test it any more. That's why I'm here, rather than still "searching for the answer" as so many are, or dead - or worse.

I thank G-d that as of today, I have not fallen prey to the stupidity of checking whether I can use lust like a normal person can (and they obviously can) without ruining my life.

My wife and children would thank Hashem, too, if they understood.