With the help of my Higher Power, I joined SA recovery in early 2009 and started to gain real sobriety and 12 step recovery in May of last year. Today I celebrated 8 months of sobriety.
The most important thing I can tell ANYONE who struggles with this on a small or large scale, is to keep talking about it in a safe environment. There are so many people struggling with this and YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I still think I am alone sometimes and it hurts. So many people struggle the exact same way I do, or similarly. I can truly trust God and say that he made me exactly the way I needed to be.
The biggest key to my recovery was to understand that I don't need to understand. This is one of the things I truly don't understand. I accept, I am powerless and I believe that the bigger plan will show itself one day. I certainly don't have choices about my addiction or the way it drives me.
I am happily married to a wonderful woman and have a beautiful family. I will focus on gratitude instead of complaining. I invite you to do the same.
It's amazing to watch this part of the recovery process. I forget how easy it is to turn it over to Hashem/God, to trust completely. When I drive my car, I think I am keeping me safe, when I walk down the street I think I am keeping myself safe, When I eat something, I think it's me that keeps from choking, etc. I am so blinded by my own ego that I don't take the time to realize that God is doing exactly what He wants to do and that if He didn't want it to happen, it wouldn't happen. If something happened that we don't think is good or positive, it was God's will. And when asked "what should I do now?" by someone, I can honestly trust that whatever the result, it is what God wanted. For me, the best way of "turning it over to God" is to follow direction without questioning. When I ask advice from my sponsor or another recovering addict, I must listen completely, 100%, no "my way is better" attitude. It is this path that has taught me the act of TRUE SURRENDER.