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I didn't CHOOSE to change - I had no other choice!

GYE Admin Sunday, 18 September 2016

I am an addict, so my truth is far more machmir than all the religious folk are. Misah bideai Shomayim, coreis, whatever...

For me, it is misah bidei Odom - me. I really kill myself when I lust and act out, R'l. It's not "spiritual" death, and no violins are needed, thank-you. If I'd have continued on the derech I started on, my wife and I both know I would be buried by today. No question that I'd be dead either by my own hand, by someone else's, or by STD.

And every day I slipped a little, it was the next nail in my coffin. Hey - if it went no where in the end and I just remained a guy who occasionally roamed the streets watching hookers, but never really risked my life, job, family, arrest, health, and standing in the community, then I'd probably still be out there. Cuz then I could afford it, so I would if I could. Living the life of a loser is acceptable to me, unfortunately. That's is just a fact I see from my history. That is where my bechirah gets me. If I still had the same old gayvah I used to have, I'd deny it. But it's been beaten out of me, a bit.

I only quit because I could not afford to continue. It finally became clear to me that I was on the path to death, unquestionably. It was just like driving with my eyes duct-taped over by someone - you just do not do it. You stop so you don't die, plain and simple. It doesn't matter how badly you need to get somewhere, you just stop going on. Very inconvenient, it is. There is no breirah. There is no bechirah. So I stopped, and not because of bechirah, at all.

Bechirah not to die, I do not consider bechirah, at all. So I expect no s'char for being sober, either. As long as I was trying to get that brass ring of being 'bochair baTov', I failed and only got worse and worse.

And really believing this means a lot of things that change everyday life dramatically:

1- when I feel cheated of something, jealous, or sorry for myself, I can remember that by all rights I should be dead today and really anything I get is gravy, now;

2- when I want to lust, it is possible for me to admit that no matter how bad my current life situation may be, it will never be bad enough that acting out will not make it even worse;

3- it's hard to admit it, but if I hold onto a fantasy or a curious, imaginative thought in my head, at all - I will have no way of really being sure where I will stop;

4- being sober today is good enough for me, no matter what else happens or doesn't happen. I have no excuse for sadness, self-pity, etc...If I have tjhose things (which I frequently do) then I need to work steps 4-7, quick;

5- lusting for anything Hashem has not prepared for me, is a sure way to misery, and I have had enough self-misery.

OK, so I was back on the soap-box. Sorry. But there are not too many places to actually express myself, you know. Thanks for letting me share here, even if it's off topic.