Wednesday, 17 May 2017

How does Dov help someone who reaches out for help?

by Dov (See all authors)

I like to be real, not philosophical. The body is craving the masturbation and does it ("leiv chomed uk'lei mayseh gomrin"). And the body rarely cares about philosophy, of course. The body is what's getting the payoff here. I would never have stopped due to halacha - aye, it hurts to admit that - for didn't I keep acting out for years even after I knew it was assur and that I was also lying and faking even the people closest to me, which is assur, too? I did. If you are still doing it even though you know it's wrong, then you and I can relate very well. Let's not distract ourselves with halacha and hashkofa discussions. Or with morality, at all, for that matter. It's time to face certain realities and move on from there. The Maggid said, "a Yid can only start from where they really are." Not from where they should be or wish they'd be.

So my question to the masturbater is often why they are interested in stopping. Some are surprised by this, for many people hear a question and assume it is rhetorical. But this one isn't. Their honest answer always opens a window into how they really see the situation. Then I ask for a bit of their history (after giving them enough of my own so that they see I am safe and sincere). They then open a window into how self-honest they have really been. In the end, the facts on whether religion and morality are the real issue here, or not, becomes much more clear. Usually, it comes as a great surprise that sex, sexual morality, halacha, and kabolah have all been huge distractions - especially if they are addicts. Those folks start to admit that they are really reaching out because they feel the need to stop because they are nauseated with being compulsive babies. We are so adult in so many other respects - and yet so immature and impulsive, often taking amazingly stupid risks when it comes to erotic matters. Many of us have worked on 'self-esteem' for years while knowing in our heart of hearts that we are thoroughly confused about ourselves; that we are really babies and very lonely.

By admitting my own sick-ness, they can admit theirs, and start getting free. Even hope depends on willingness.