Hashem is Holding Me
I'm sure you've heard the famous poem about two sets of footprints in the sand... This guy died and went up to heaven and was looking back at his whole life and always saw two sets of footprints. And G-d told him that one of them is yours and one of them is mine, I always walked beside you. And the guy sees at one point only one set of footprints and says, "I KNEW IT, I KNEW THAT AT THOSE TIMES THINGS WERE SO DIFFICULT THAT I WOULD CRY OUT TO YOU AND I WOULD TRY SO HARD TO DO BETTER AND GET YOUR ATTENTION, BUT I NEVER GOT YOUR ATTENTION, I KNEW THAT YOU HAD LEFT ME!". And G-d responded to him and said, "those footsteps aren't your footsteps, they are my footsteps. I was holding you in my arms".
After years of trying to take control of my life and throw away this addiction, I joined the phone conferences with Duvid Chaim, and I am growing so much. I am learning to surrender to Hashem. I feel like the guy in the story, the only difference is that I don't feel abandoned by Hashem anymore. Now, instead of Hashem picking me up, I'm crawling onto his shoulders before he even needs to pick me up.
I have been doing much better this time around, I'm actually flying through the days. I'm not white-knuckling. I'm giving all of my struggles over to Hashem.