Friday, 06 January 2012

Filter's Aren't Enough. I Need a Change of Thinking

"Moshe" has been with us on the forum for a few years already. After many periods of ups and downs, he finally joined a Phone Conference to work the steps.

by Moshe (See all authors)

Dear Reb Guard,

I just wanted to share with you that after much experimentation on myself, I have come to the conclusion that using filtration to keep me sober is only good as a "short term" solution. It's a good beginning, BUT, eventually it will back fire. A true addict cannot gain sobriety just by locking the booze cabinet, yet still "wanting" the booze. He will eventually get it! It may be in one week or even a few years. But, he is still "wanting" the lust that he is locking up. It won't work.

For those on the forum who aren't 100% true addicts (Dov believes that there are quite a few), filters will be good, but for the addict as myself, I must change my way of thinking. There is no other way. I must admit that I am powerless over lust and that my life "stinks" i.e. is unmanageable. When I can get through this 1st step; to internalize that I DON'T want to look at this shmutz because it has, and WILL destroy me, then, and only then, can I begin to obtain sobriety.

When I was using filters (thinking that they were "filtering" my internet), I often had that over powering urge to put them to the test. And I usually won (or lost in reality). AND, when I was filtering it, I was actually saying deep inside that: "I DO want to look at this shmutz, because if there is no filter, this is what I WILL do!" AND... every time that I am in a situation where there IS non filtered internet, i.e. I am in someone's house, a customer, a friend, I will be torn with lust to take advantage of this "opportunity" to look at the shmutz that I "really do" and always "did" want to look at. It will be so difficult not to take advantage of this opportunity. And, if I manage to pass the test, then there will be the next time.... until that eventual fall.

B'Kitzur, step one must come from within; the wanting and desire to stop.

And the step #2 of a "higher power", we, Am Yisroel, really need to work this step. Am I depending upon Hashem to save me, or a piece of software? Which one is it? Is it Hashem or K9??

I canceled my "kosher ISP server" (which only made it worse for me), and I have the password to my K9 as well. B"H, for the first time in my life, I sit with the shmutz available in front of me every day, and it is now over 7 weeks since I have seen shmutz. I know it will kill me, and when I do find myself in places that I can take a peek when no one is looking, why should I? I already made the decision not too, and the decision that I made at home, will go with me out of the house as well. There is no more worry of "what if I find myself in a position that....". I can get it home... if I want, and once I make the decision "I don't want it", so I am Ok outside also.

With all of this said, I am a lust addict and I am powerless over lust, and I can fall at any time period. I am fully dependent on Hashem at all times, for only He can keep me sober.

GYE Corp.