We learned yesterday in the call that the "spiritual experience" that we are all seeking (d'veikut) happens slowly, as we work the 12 steps, and not all at once. That's why we have to be patient and not say, as I was saying last week: "How come I'm in the program for 3 weeks and I still don't feel any differently?" It takes a lot of time. As Duvid Chaim and Reb Guard said, it took us time to get addicted and we spent many years in the addiction, so it will take us time to get free.
Two days ago I definitely had an epiphany from HaShem in understanding one method of how to "see" HaShem all around us in our daily life, and I posted it yesterday (guard: see reply #192 on this page - highly suggested!). I know that this was a gift from HaShem because He understood that I really needed it. I was depressed and on the brink of giving up. However getting an epiphany is not the "norm" for people working the program. HaShem simply gave me a "gift" to give me a glimpse of how my life can feel like at the end of the program.
I will describe how I felt yesterday to remind me, in case I lose that feeling for a while (it's already fading). I also think it's important for everyone who hasn't experienced it to see what the "light at the end of the tunnel" feels like. Everyone on this forum has the potential to reach this state of mind! I think we'll get there with HaShem's help, with working the steps and with prayers. I pray daily that HaShem will let me hold on to this amazing feeling for just one more day, even if not at the same intensity as the first day I felt it.
It was like living in a different dimension (as Duvid Chaim speaks about). I felt really good all day, simply content. I didn't feel any lustful feelings. Nothing to fight. They weren't even in my mind. It's funny because no parameters in my life had changed, I had the same job, the same stress, but my attitude was totally different. I felt different. I saw the world differently. My usual feelings of lust and battling the lust were replaced with a feeling of closeness to HaShem. I felt a spiritual power (inner strength) that enabled me (gave me the confidence) to do things (mitzvot) that I would have normally been too shy to do. I felt as if I finally lived one of my days to it's fullest potential.
I think the key is, that we have to open our eyes and see HaShem in every object that surrounds us, and then we'll feel HaShem. For example: For me, the shape of a tree reminds me of a human, whose branches are like arms and the trunk are like legs ("ki ha'adam eitz ha-sadeh"). If you can look at a tree and see it as a creation of HaShem, then driving down a road lined with trees on both sides can make you feel like your being hugged by HaShem.
Yesterday's call ended with the fact that the program will work only if we are truly honest with ourselves, are open-minded to new ideas, and are willing to change and work the steps. We cannot be intolerant of others, of making amends or of new concepts, and we cannot be in a state of denial about how we are acting and how we currently live our lives.
I would like to end with an important point. My notes on the call in no way replace the calls, but perhaps add to them. I encourage everyone to join the calls themselves!
Thank you for listening.
HaShem, please grant us the ability to open our eyes and see You all around us, thereby feeling your presence with us at all times.