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Feeling Clean is an Afterthought

Why don't I feel clean yet?

GYE Corp. Sunday, 27 November 2011

Someone wrote:

Bh I'm still clean, but I don't feel clean. I have practically not been nichshal in two weeks, even in shmiras haynayim. Of the hundreds of opportunities to look and see things in the street, I only sneaked a peak five times in two weeks. Amazing, but I still don't feel clean.

Dov Responds:

Two weeks? Take your time, chaver.

I heard an alkie say that his problem was never drinking - it was sobriety! Living without alcohol was unbearable.

Are you saying that living without using lust is uncomfortable? If so, don't worry: everyone I know who ever got sober felt that way at one time or another, and most acted out as a result. They got the sense knocked back into their heads after going through that cycle a few times. I never had to, b"H. I just watched them doing it for me!

There is more to do with you, and He's going to do it, don't worry - it will get interesting, I promise!

To me, the feeling of cleanliness is a fringe benefit. It was actually the last thing I ever expected when I came to recovery. What I was really after was just staying alive and keeping my G-d. Oh, and also "my" wife, children, parents, friends, job, and community.

Feeling clean was a (worthy) afterthought, at best.