Dear new friend and medic,
I am not the guy who will tell you that you need to go to meetings. I am not the one who would say, "if you aren't trying to get better the same way I got/get better, then there's no hope for you." If I did that or even believed that, I believe that I'd lose my sobriety pretty soon. The judgementalism and hubris of the 'one-way ( my way) approach' is too much for me to handle. To me, it is a sickness. Instead, all I can share with you is my own experience and leave it at that. You will take it or leave it and it is Hashem's issue, not mine. Besides, many people get better by getting into a recovery fellowship, and many do not. Same for counseling, inpatient rehab, and any other derech... of course, I am still partial...
Please bear with me here:
The point is - and I believe that this is really the entire issue - are you ready for change? NOT are you ready to change yourself/ quit for good/ start 'behaving yourself', etc. Just, "are you ready for change?" (The word 'change' is a noun , not a verb.) Till now, I am pretty sure you have used all the wits you have to change yourself. To keep the lust while somehow controlling it enough to still be the good man you really are...apparently you had no more success that I did! That's why I can say love you. We are so similar already.
Long before I was caught (which didn't get me into recovery, either) I had moments when I was completely committed to change my behavior, though I had no clue how to do it. My (unexpected) reaction to those moments was: absolute terror.
Once, when I made up my mind not to ever use porn again (for the z'chus of a yeshiva guy I knew who had just been killed in a drunk purim car accident) I felt so good about my decision, so hopeful. But moments later, the fate of having a lifetime without looking at porn ever again gripped me with terror (which proves that I was really sincere). I felt frantic. I couldn't take it. The familiar warm, sweet and comforting feeling of porn, masturbation, and the like, was more than I could actually face really giving up. Sad, but 100% true. That's powerlessness, for you. Maybe honest, but still powerless. It took me about seven more years of screwing life up my way for me to finally get into recovery.
Years later, in recovery, I came to admit that lust (including porn and masturbation and more) had actually become my very best friend in the entire world. Kind of like how a sailor is married to the sea. Unfortunately for me, I picked a very bad best friend. Lust is very, very mean. I think it is even meaner than heroin and alcohol. It nearly ruined our marriage, my life as a Yid, and my sanity - because I sacrificed all these things on the altar of 'getting' what lust seemed to offer. Not at all because I was a bad guy - on the contrary, I was always a nice man. But I obviously truly believe that I needed it like other people need air. If I felt the same way now, I'd use lust again, no question. I am an addict, even though I am sober for a while, thank-G-d.
Do you feel the same? If not, then who or what do you depend on in life? I don't mean in theory, I mean functionally . Do you consistently run to anything/anyone when you feel needy? Are you dependent on sex and lust, perhaps? Or do you just consider it a bad habit you've got to 'shake' by trying hard enough? It sounds to me that you are at or near the point of concession - of hachno'oh to the truth about yourself, otherwise I'd never be this forward. If I am off, please forgive me.