I am a young married guy and I am desperate for help. I have been married almost 3 years and all this time I have had a problem with pornography, masturbation, and infidelity. My wife wants to leave me.... We tried therapy but just can't come down to the reason why I have done the things I did.
This is my last resort. I am turn here to GYE for help and guidance with this. I don't want to lose her, I want to start a family and my selfishness and problems are just pushing everything away.
Please, please help me.
Dear friend - my life was also a mess and I saw no way out. I have been sober for 14 years and our marriage is better than it ever was. So is my life. Have you found resources?
As far as counseling goes, I went to a psychotherapist when my wife found me out. We were getting divorced, it seemed. He convinced us that beyond a marriage problem, I had a big problem, so we agreed that I'd work on that for a while, then we'd tackle the marriage issue and decide if we should divorce, or not.
The shrink was flabbergasted every time I'd act out with lust! He just couldn't figure it out, and neither could I. I just knew that I needed it more than I needed my marriage. Period.
When I finally got desperate enough to get into serious recovery (and after switching shrinks), I got sober in a 12-Step fellowship and got the help I needed. The dust started to clear over the next 1-2 years, and things slowly got better at the same time. And by the way, I never needed to figure out why I did the crazy lust stuff and why I can't stop. For all I know I still can't stop! I got help because I can't do it . I tried for a long time. How long have you tried for? How's it working?
I still need help because I still can't do it - but am sober one day at a time so far and without any 'pressure building up'...and every single aspect of life is better this year than it was last year, no shayloh.
It was not easy, but what's that got to do with it? To me, the only question is: "Am I worth it?"
Are you ?
Dear new friend and medic,
I am not the guy who will tell you that you need to go to meetings. I am not the one who would say, "if you aren't trying to get better the same way I got/get better, then there's no hope for you." If I did that or even believed that, I believe that I'd lose my sobriety pretty soon. The judgementalism and hubris of the 'one-way ( my way) approach' is too much for me to handle. To me, it is a sickness. Instead, all I can share with you is my own experience and leave it at that. You will take it or leave it and it is Hashem's issue, not mine. Besides, many people get better by getting into a recovery fellowship, and many do not. Same for counseling, inpatient rehab, and any other derech... of course, I am still partial...
Please bear with me here:
The point is - and I believe that this is really the entire issue - are you ready for change? NOT are you ready to change yourself/ quit for good/ start 'behaving yourself', etc. Just, "are you ready for change?" (The word 'change' is a noun , not a verb.) Till now, I am pretty sure you have used all the wits you have to change yourself. To keep the lust while somehow controlling it enough to still be the good man you really are...apparently you had no more success that I did! That's why I can say love you. We are so similar already.
Long before I was caught (which didn't get me into recovery, either) I had moments when I was completely committed to change my behavior, though I had no clue how to do it. My (unexpected) reaction to those moments was: absolute terror.
Once, when I made up my mind not to ever use porn again (for the z'chus of a yeshiva guy I knew who had just been killed in a drunk purim car accident) I felt so good about my decision, so hopeful. But moments later, the fate of having a lifetime without looking at porn ever again gripped me with terror (which proves that I was really sincere). I felt frantic. I couldn't take it. The familiar warm, sweet and comforting feeling of porn, masturbation, and the like, was more than I could actually face really giving up. Sad, but 100% true. That's powerlessness, for you. Maybe honest, but still powerless. It took me about seven more years of screwing life up my way for me to finally get into recovery.
Years later, in recovery, I came to admit that lust (including porn and masturbation and more) had actually become my very best friend in the entire world. Kind of like how a sailor is married to the sea. Unfortunately for me, I picked a very bad best friend. Lust is very, very mean. I think it is even meaner than heroin and alcohol. It nearly ruined our marriage, my life as a Yid, and my sanity - because I sacrificed all these things on the altar of 'getting' what lust seemed to offer. Not at all because I was a bad guy - on the contrary, I was always a nice man. But I obviously truly believe that I needed it like other people need air. If I felt the same way now, I'd use lust again, no question. I am an addict, even though I am sober for a while, thank-G-d.
Do you feel the same? If not, then who or what do you depend on in life? I don't mean in theory, I mean functionally . Do you consistently run to anything/anyone when you feel needy? Are you dependent on sex and lust, perhaps? Or do you just consider it a bad habit you've got to 'shake' by trying hard enough? It sounds to me that you are at or near the point of concession - of hachno'oh to the truth about yourself, otherwise I'd never be this forward. If I am off, please forgive me.
My experience was (and is) that people who are already attached to addiction do not start 'running to', or 'utilizing' healthy relationships with Hashem and people simply because of a deep decision to be good. Talking about 'waking up that latent emunah and bitachon in Hashem' is often just silly talk. Most who I have seen have just gotten more religious - and kept progressing in using their drug. It leads to shocking scandals that break up marriages, destroy the lives of innocent children of those parents, and does not really go away. And neither does our problem.
We seem to need real, awkward help to learn how to come to Hashem, how to use Him, and how to have healthy relationships again. We must be twisted in all those areas - for only by being twisted yidden, fathers, and husbands, can we actually tolerate years of having a 'marriage' and being 'frum' - while doing all the crazy things we do in addiction! It's all about hiding from everyone and even from ourselves...so recovery requires us to get over the shame and to get our insides out - or we do not get better. Well, at least that is the way it works for me.
I got (and get) the help I need to get 'untwisted' by watching other people like me doing it and by asking for and following some direction. That is what I get from meetings, having a sponsor, and sponsoring others.
I too went to a shrink, and the main benefit of it was that it helped me take my recovery seriously. It helped me get clarity in how goofy my thinking really was - and how shockingly comfortable I really was with my own twisted thinking. It was very helpful. It didn't heal me at all - but it helped me get into the healing business. It also gave my wife and I a much - needed neutral ground while I get straightened out and could actually start getting better through a miracle that I am still living today. It's the same exact miracle as He did for me on day 1.
So hatzlocha in counseling and please know that you are far from alone. The recovery rooms I go to in SA, for example, are filled with guys whose wives said the very same thing your wife is saying to you. We betrayed our wives trust and keep the lie alive by hiding it. That is not 'loving'. From the moment we went to lust we betrayed our wives, ourselves, Hashem, and lots of other people who thought we were OK, like our kids, for example. 'Getting caught' had surprisingly little to do with the betrayal, really. That was news to me, alright. But by the same token, some (like myself) believe that you have the right to not say anything without professional help first. Do what you think you need to and learn how to really love this woman for a change.
Hatzlocha. Hashem will help you if you let Him, or probably even if you don't... the help just doesn't usually come in as pleasant a form, that way.
Love,
Dov