Tuesday, 14 July 2015

On the subject of congruency and anonymity.

In a forum conversation with a new comer, Dov made the following, poignant observation:

by Dov (See all authors)

You refer to it as 'the Yetzer Hora'. Sounds religious. But the truth may be that you just like it. That the way you are, you just feel you absolutely need it right now. I remember not feeling as though I didn't need it first - yet ended up finding myself back on the hunt, or back in the porn trance and masturbation, or off cruising again. I'd like to suggest that calling it 'the Yetzer Hora' is just a tool to prevent you from accepting that these are your own choices you are making every other month or whatever. Yes, there may be yetzer hora involved here - but let's set the hocus-pocus aside for a minute here: However you slice it, you are not a well man. It is not mentally and psychologically congruent for a frum man (as you believe you are) to be making these choices!

And as an addict myself, I implore you: Please do not hide behind addiction, as though it were yet another magical force 'making you do it'. Enough with the excuses, religious or otherwise! You are clearly not well. Please get real help.

Posting on an anonymous forum behind a fake name is something, but not enough. When I finally was ready to admit to myself I had serious problems, I went to a good therapist (and admitted everything in all the details to her) even though my wife would find out about it...

Going to SA meetings is actually far safer than walking into your bar. You will not be announcing to the world what your problems are by going to meetings with other addicts like myself.

Where are the SA meetings in your community? I bet you do not even know.
Do you know who goes to them and what their problems are? I assume you do not.

Yet you say that if you show up, the world will know. You sure about that now?..

If frum SA guys in Lakewood, Chicago, Baltimore, Borough Park, Monsey, or Yerushalayim actually told their wives 'who came to the meeting tonight', SA would not survive another month. Yet here we are over 20 years with tons of frummies going to meetings and more every day.

I've been in SA meetings and conventions with hundreds of people frum and not frum, goyimg and Jews for years, in frum neighborhoods and not... how is it that my kids are getting fine shiduchim? How is it that no one has ostracized me and my wife and family? Obviously SA is anonymous.