Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I Can Always Be With Him

by Dov (See all authors)

Please forgive my frankness, but there is no one I know who has himself at the center of his universe more than me in that trance, staring at schmutz or masturbating. And I believe that anyone who has done that r"l, knows exactly what I mean. Do you? The entire desperate lusting experience is all about "me", isn't it? What feels more "real" or more "powerful" than that? No wonder! That's what makes it so consumingly consuming! Nebach.

"All about me" - like acting out on lust - means no apparent connection with my Shoresh at all, no apparent connection with other people, and no apparent connection with Hashem. I'm "on my own". Well, good luck to us on our own. That's the curse of the nachash (S'fas Emess: He has food everywhere so he's "on his own"!) - while Adam got a "curse" of a choosing between more suffering on his own (lots of weeds) or more dependence on Hashem. Choosing the nachash's way - to go it alone (with my lust "friends"!) - leads to hell on earth, eventually.

Nu. What can we do? It sure is hard to convince anyone that they can really find whatever they are looking for in Hashem, so most of us need to lose stuff, first. It's not a punishment, challilah - it's just the Truth: there's nothing - really - there! That "powerful", "vital" experience I have with me and my porn... it's useless. A mighty scary realization, if you ask me! I depended for so long on isolating with my schmutz when the going got really tough! When we finally see that it's useless with our own eyes, it changes the game. The shmuessen may not help. It seems that we addicts need "Toh Chazi" (come and see), not "Toh Shma" (come and hear).

What I am trying to lead to is this: If you are having a tough time getting to Hashem, take a tough and honest look at what you are really still hanging onto instead of Him. There is no shame here. We know that many of us hang onto money, food, other people, whatever... and they serve them instead of Hashem. Most people can get away with that and remain essentially good, frummeh yidden.
But not us. We can't afford to play that game. At least we can't tolerate it as well as normals can.

And this is "working" step 2 ("We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity").

As a result of working step 2 - out of the need to remain sober at all costs - I have begun to find a relationship with Hashem that goes with me everywhere. Even under my blankets on a cold morning when I feel like crapola and don't want to do anything! Even when I slip into self-absorption and self-pity. Even when life hurts like crazy... I can still be with Him, talk to Him and He can help me be useful to Him and to people! Because He is at least nearer to the center of "my universe," now.