A Woman asked:

After being married for 2 years, I found gay hookup apps on my husband's phone. This was tremendously shocking and heartbreaking. We are dealing with it well but I feel totally tricked (into marriage) and betrayed. Also, my brother had known this whole time, as well as another guy-friend, that my husband had this issue, and they did not tell me and now I hate them. Anyways, this other guy-friend, who knew, is also SSA and, in fact, had hooked up with my husband. He is now engaged, and my husband asked him if he is planning to tell his wife, he said, 'no way, never, don't ever mention it again.'

I feel so bad for this girl, for what she is getting into, but on the other hand, I really do not want to ruin this guy's life or butt in. However, one day she is going to find out and be verrry verrry angry and her life will be ruined like mine is. Do you think I should say something?

On our site we brought some rants (here) from a non-Jew who found that his addiction to masturbating was preventing him from going out to meet women and so he decided to try to stop completely. He opened a blog to keep track of his progress and I bring you here some more thoughts of his, from when he was still starting out. (There's always something we can learn from everyone... )

Based on my experience on going masturbation free for 4 days I can definitely say that masturbation is not healthy, it makes you feel less of a man, it's bad for self esteem and confidence. Look at it this way, anything you are too embarrassed to share in public with close friends can't be healthy right? I feel more confident, I don't laze about anymore, I'm more focused, and I don't procrastinate as much and have goals in my mind all the time. I do have to force myself to snap out of it once in a while, usually I do this by thinking of the most unsightliest thing that comes to my mind, like a pile of dog sh-t on my favourite dinner plate. That usually does the trick and very shortly the drive fades away.

Ever since I gave up masturbation so have all the other timewasters; videogames! Masturbation and spending hours playing computer games have previously engulfed my free time. Now I have discovered the joy of reading. One of the book that was on my online list was titled "the multi-orgasmic man…

There were a few things that I have realised from reading the first 3 chapters of the book on the way home. One thing that sticks to my mind is 'after a man ejaculates, his pillow looks prettier than his wife'. I also learnt that under lab conditions scientists found that micro-worms who ejaculate live for 6 days, where as worms who do not ejaculate live for 9 days. Also plants after growing seeds, die shortly after. The whole multiorgasmic topic is all about withholding sperm, the facts that I've read have motivated me to carry on with this wank-free mission. Because ejaculation can be majorly detrimental to health, and it makes sense because ejaculation drains out all energy from a man's body as the body is furiously at work trying to reproduce sperm for the next round.

I have a few things to share with you. Be"H they will be of some use:

If you are reaching out for help, I guess it means that you have discovered that your best efforts have not worked. So going it alone - merely with new information - is nice, but it never worked for me. So I can just share that with you, for whatever it is worth. If doing it your way and going it alone works for you, gezinterheit!

But if your best newly informed efforts get you nowhere in the end (again), you'll discover that soon enough. Then you can always turn to a recovery chevra and to G-d. It will be available as long as there are sick people getting well together.

Another thing. If your goal is to become a kadosh and not have 'disgusting thoughts', I understand, but have nothing to share but book-knowledge about it - and I have plenty, from the years when that was my constant struggle. Eventually, though it sounded valiant and holy, it got me nowhere but worse, so I will not go there.

But for me, the thoughts were beyond normal: they were relentless, progressive, invaded many parts of my life, and I followed through with planning and behavior that was slowly and progressively ugly and destructive. I became a frequent liar, a manipulator, and eventually too disgusted with myself to look in a mirror. Really. I eventually broke many boundaries I'd never have believed I'd break. After all, I was a frum yid... I learned Torah! I was spiritual!

And I was also very sick.

So, if your thoughts are only thoughts, look around on this forum for help, get connected with people who are getting healthier - consider staying away from the whiners and from people who just want to talk about how hard it all is. Stick with people talking about the alternatives to our crazy and stupid lust-thinking. People who are focused on how to get open and honest and turn to Hashem and to people when lust 'attacks'.

But if you find yourself lying and having a double life, acting out with your lust and having to lie even more to protect it and cover it up, and you want to be free of the stupid, painful and destructive thoughts and compulsions, (ie, insanity) then I suggest that the 12 steps and Recovery might be for you! And it seems that people who try to go it alone - for whatever reason, good or not - are just trying to remain 'in control'; to still hang on to doing it their own way. Eventually, the lucky ones get hurt badly enough to finally let go and take whatever means necessary to get free. Not necessarily "for Hashem" - but for themselves.

Hatzlocha!!

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.