I am almost up to 40 days without a fall, and my wife is assur now, which makes things a little harder. Last night, I was reading business news and they had something about some woman etc. I googled who she was and a movie where she is the main actor came up. Not thinking properly, I downloaded it and it was a movie with some real pritzus in it. B”H, nothing happened (in the mz”l realm) but it has affected my Shmiras Einayim. (I listen every day on the way to work to the recording from GYE on the Shmiras Einayim group, the speaker is great).

I went to the Mikvah to gain a bit of Kedushah and davened for the best. I didn’t let down my guard of Shmiras Einayim that has been going great for the past 40 days. But at work, I now realize that I’m slipping and looking for the wrong material.

So here I’m writing to you, first and foremost to get it out! Secondly, I just now read the chizuk email from the Kaliver Rebbi, it’s great and gave me the strength to delete a video I wanted to watch that was "on the edge".

I’ve got a little too much free time right now on my hands, so I’m going to read some business related stuff, and if I’m in the crush for videos then it's only from the list of the Kosher Isle!

Someone wrote to Dov:

Often when I ignore an opportunity to act-out the image keeps popping back, coupled with resentment that I didn't act on the opportunity. It's as if I'm only postponing it in my subconscious. How do I surrender it totally, 100% with every fiber of my being?

Dov Responds:

Well, the "every fiber of my being" idea is a nice idea, and fits well with the direction of all the mussar we learn, but practically speaking, it sounds like unmitigated, unbridled perfectionism, to me.

Sorry.

What gives us the right to describe to Hashem exactly in what manner and at what rate He should make us better? Hey, you wrote that this is the first time for you wading the waters of surrender - of giving up the lust rather than 'fighting' it.... It's surely a process, and I think that the images and temptation should return! The thing I need to do then is get verbal, and express to Him exactly what I want now: "I got that image back, the fantasy back, and I ask You to help take it away again. Please free me from it now, just for today. Thanks so much." Keep going at it, over and over.

Anyway, if all our temptations were reduced to rubble with one day of powerful teshuvah, I believe most of us would be elated for a day - and then go absolutely nuts with resentment and unprotected pain. There are reasons behind our stupid lusting and acting out that are way, way beyond us. It served a purpose for us because of various ways that we are twisted in our relationships with other people, inside ourselves, and with our entire concept and relationship with G-d as our Loving Master and Father.

This may not be apparent at the beginning, but trust me, after a few months (and then years) of your ridiculous lust mishega'as not being an option for a coping mechanism to cover your garbage, all kinds of amazing discoveries will be made by you, like it or not . Every aspect of your life will get easier and less complicated. Now, change of personality and natural tendencies must take time if it is to last inside us at all!

We have all changed the fake way, before... it lasts a while and then we are left with guilt and more lust to pacify our wounds....want more of that? Nah! right?

Ask Him for patience, even if you fail at your goal. Ask for wisdom and patience, to be useful to Him and to other people.

He is not nearly done with you yet.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.