I'm sorry you feel that way.

My life (of well over four decades) has been surrounded by sickness, death, hospitals, disease, pain, therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, jail, anguish, danger, and more, and by this I am including parents and grandparents (young ones), spouse, children, siblings, teachers, and students, and I am not referring to flues, chicken pox, and speeding tickets.

And yes, all of my wonderful life I chose to ignore this and escape by the only means I knew how, and that was thru the wonderful world of lust, and boy was I good at that.

And when I began to recover, I would recoil when people spoke about God and higher power and stuff like that, for I had no idea who they were referencing. Mind you, I am a shomer torah u'mitzvos par excellence. It's not that I didn't believe in God; I just didn't know Him. And I still don't. I struggle with good and bad and Hashem's will and all, but I block that all out, for the most part.

I made lousy decisions in my life, and I needed to fix them. I went to therapists and specialists and sponsors and 12-Step meetings. It was my resolve that I messed up and I need to climb out of it. Was there Divine help? I don't care. Do I feel more of a connection now that I'm sober for over three years? At times.

But if I choose to think too much, I could get angry and end up acting out, so therefore, I don't.

Recovery is just too precious. I am finally living a life, although there is so much pain around me. The pain sucks, but I need to live, and I can only do that thru sobriety.

Godspeed to all.

I learned two halachos recently that relate to some beautiful things about recovery.

Chaza"l say that if a person is walking and he needs to say Kriyas Shema, he should "stand" and not continue walking when he says the first pasuk. The Beis Ahron of Karlin explains this to mean that one should stand firm like a beam of iron, meaning that when one accepts upon himself the yoke of heaven completely, he is able to stand up against any desire, even the greatest among the great. And, he continues, this is the meaning of true mesiras nefesh.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.