“Do thoughts about other boys/crushes disappear when you are married?” More than one boy-crazy girl has asked me this question. In other words, “Will marriage cure my boy-craziness?”

Dov Responds:

One of the safer places for a female sexaholic is a sexaholics meeting because the men there are known entities - they are all essentially wearing a sign over their heads that says to the female member, "Hi. I'm a womanizer/stalker/worshiper of people like you. Sorry."

Now, certainly, if the woman is looking for guys to mess around with, things won't go well for either party. But based on things I have heard that go on in the real world, I'd give her worse chances of that happening at shul, actually.

The reason GYE guys ask this and are so surprised about the matter is perhaps related to the halocha of yichud. For normal guys, these halachos are sensible and keep things simple... But for sex-crazed guys (and gals) all it does is sexualize a situation in which he is alone with a woman or vice-versa. There's nothing sexual about being alone in a store with a woman... but the guy who has yichud on his mind and is hypersexual turns it into an emergency - and he doesn't realize that simultaneously he is sexualizing a non-sexual situation and making a mountain of a molehill. Same for tzniyus dressing - if the mind of the guy is one-track-minded, then it turns women and their bodies into potentially sexual things instead of just what they are: women and their bodies, that have a certain status and halocha. It creates a big problem where there is a little one and distorts halocha and avodas Hashem.

Since so many on GYE assume a girl/female is naturally a sexual problem for a guy, they harbor a fear that an SLAA/SA/SAA meeting with women in it will naturally be a risk to be followed up by acting-out in the parking lot.

Yes, danger is everywhere for those who want to find it. But growing up is all about seeing things in a different light, is what I am trying to say.

Makes any sense?

Yesterday, while I was on Youtube, I noticed a feature that hadn't struck me before. Every video that you've ever viewed is underlined in red. I was so completely shocked to see how much time I had wasted. I felt like I was wasting my life away and the darkness started to swallow me. I heard the addiction voice screaming in my head how all my work in recovery was for nothing - that I had just transferred my addiction from porn and masturbation to video viewing. And even that video viewing, although not porn, was not material I would be proud of announcing that I'd seen. I also knew that when I watch stuff that is fine for other people, my mind goes to crazy places - I can not view videos without lusting. I finally admitted that I was doing something that I did not want to do, that it was ruining my life just as much as porn and masturbation had in the past.

So when I got on the women's call last night, I shared all that and I just started crying. I felt so broken. I was completely vulnerable. And then, as I shared and heard supportive words from other women who'd been there, I felt courage that I had not had before and I became willing to take action.

This morning, first thing at work, I blocked youtube.

I'm in withdrawal today but I'm reaching out to others, praying, and trying to keep the right perspective.

I feel fantastic that I have made so much progress, BH; thanks to you and the fellowship, of course. I would never have believed 8 years ago that I could change so completely.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.