It is incredible to look back and recall how much pain I was in not long ago. I am still in a lot of pain when I get my mind racing and dwelling on future worries or past regrets. For right now, I am just trying to focus on right now and what I am doing. It may sound odd, but the greatest relief I've gotten over the past week has been just washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen at night. In those 20 or 30 minutes I just feel at easy and at one with the task - not worried about anything else or threatened or anything.

I've always lived my life wanting to be somewhere else - always looking for some angle or advantage or scheming some way to improve this or make this better. Then when I get into doing and working, I always feel I should be somewhere else or doing something else - even if I don't know what that is. I feel like this is my disease even more than the acting out. The acting out just masks the pain of this always wanting, always craving, always managing, always trying to control and achieve and plan. It makes the present moment intolerable and painful to just be in the now.

If I could just surrender to what I should be doing - what a gift that would be! I just feel that if I G-d wanted me to be a dishwasher and I knew that - if I was in touch with that - I could just wash dishes and be elated because I knew that I was just doing what I was put on the earth to do. But the way it is and the way it's been, I go nuts - I don't know what Hashem wants me to be.

I am sick and I know that I am "blocked off from the sunlight of the spirit." Today I'm just trying to act "as if". So when I am working on a project at work or talking to someone on the phone, I'm trying to act as if that's exactly what Hashem wants me to be doing at that moment and just surrender to it and not second guess myself to think about what else I should be doing at that time. Just let that go and do.

Of all the recovery groups I've seen, I've never seen recovery being lived out and the steps being worked like I have in this fellowship and on the calls. It's really humbling. G-d willing in another 4 weeks or so I will be able to start in with the other newcomers on the steps, when Duvid Chaim starts a new cycle.

Someone posted on the forum:

I hope I don't slip into depression once I realize and internalize that my wife will not and cannot be part of my fantasies... I might have to settle for (or strive for, perhaps) and ordinary existence.

Dov Replies:

Here is a juicy fantasy for anyone (like me) who has felt gripped with the terror of not getting their ta'yvos, should they quit acting out:

Take off our heavy overcoat of worries, our thick woolen suit of fear that we'll never get what we want so badly, and those tight, strangling clothing of guilt, and change into a nice comfy bathing suit of trust in Hashem and the tools of recovery. Make it fruited yellow bermudas! At first, the whole idea of letting go of our 'precious load' will seem wacky and even suicidal to us!

Nu. Climb quietly up to the diving board of Recovery. Never mind, we'll carry you...

Take a few slow, deep breaths and walk to the end of the board and leap right into the water of making our wives' satisfaction our greatest concern. Welcome to Real Life for a recovering person!

The water may be cold sometimes, it may be too deep to feel the floor, but - no need to panic here. There are many, many people who will share a life-preserver called the 12 steps with us! The kiddie pool we were swimming in 'till now was getting yellow, anyway...

Let's grab the 12 steps and test out whether letting go of our selfish concerns and really "living to give" will shortchange us. Test it!

Shockingly, most find that the waters are warm. In fact, they never want to get out when that darn whistle blows!

Now try jumping in only halfway. It can't work, sorry. Rabi Shimon bar Yochai would definitely not have had a carob tree grow for him and his son, had he brought a sandwich into that cave "just in case"!

Yes, our desires aren't always bad, and we can even share them with our wives sometimes.... but the ikkar here is to understand that the fantasies are really a sad burden, that when demanded, weigh-down and destroy relationships and lives. Trust Hashem and trust recovery.

We, of all people, will not be lacking anything from giving. We'll be full, full, full!

Always remember to stay happy! The Yetzer Hara's biggest tool is depression and sadness. Working on one's self is not a "sad" and "confining" thing, but rather it should bring us tremendous joy that we have the merit to sacrifice our desires for the creator of the entire universe. If we take the time to think about G-d's greatness for just a few minutes each day, then, like a candle before a torch, we will feel a total bitul (self-annulment) and a true joy in being able to give G-d pleasure, by doing his will...

Someone who merits to give up his desires to G-d, experiences a great joy of freedom, like Chaza"l say " Ain Ben choirin ela mi she'osek batorah" (there is no free man like he who deals in the Torah). The Torah's way brings true freedom to a person. All the people of the world are bound like slaves to their desires. The tzadikim are the freest people on earth.

The Yetzer Hara's biggest tool in getting people to sin, is depression. One way to always remain happy is to remember that everything we go through in life - including all of the "unfulfilled" desires that we think we need and all the suffering that we endure, it is all only for our good. We are designed and programmed by God to attain lasting pleasure. That's our function. God is not stingy. He wants us to have the premium -- the greatest possible pleasure, just like most parents want nothing less for their children. Anything less than the very best would smack of imperfection, in contradiction to God's perfect essence. We must believe that this is the best possible world, since it is a reflection of God's perfection. "Since God desired to bestow good, a partial good would not be sufficient. The good that He bestows would have to be the ultimate good that His handiwork could accept." (The Way of God, 1:2:1). Since God is perfect and has no needs, He cannot take; He only gives. Creation is not for His benefit. It is one continuous gift of pure altruism, an act of complete giving without getting anything in return. "God's purpose in creation was to bestow of His good to another." [Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, The Way of God, 1:2:1].

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.