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When I looked at life in a general sense and saw that I tried umpteen things to stay clean and really wanted to stay clean, cried an NCSY kumzitzes, in davening, later in yeshiva over my Gemarah, and still later in kollel - behind the steering wheel at 2AM after acting out again... I finally came to the conclusion that in any single given situation I may have the ability to say "no" - and I did plenty of times. But I came to see that it meant nothing, really. Because I saw that no matter what I try, I had no ability to really stop. I was going to "use" again. And the next time I did - well, I had no control over what the stakes would be. Maybe I'd play into the hands of a state police agent (as a friend of mine did) and end up on a state registry for sex-offenders, maybe not. When I would give in, I'd give in - no matter what the cost.
Nu. Is that bechirah? Kind of, I guess, but really a very lame kind of bechirah, to me. Kind of like choosing between how we are going to die... but all along really running like hell from it as though we can really dodge that fate if we try hard enough. It ain't gonna work in the end - it's gonna get me. We all do that, I guess...
I have met many who are sober for a long time, and now I see my own time sober as quite the miracle. But who knows what life tests are around the corner for me? I may get too scared or angry or prideful tomorrow, and as a result feel I need to act out. I hope not. All I can do is not think about it so much and trust Hashem a little that He knows what He is doing and that He has a really, really good plan for me, right now. Today. All I need to do is get the h*ll out of His way.
Why is that so hard for all of us?
But Dov, if you were/are so powerless, how do you indeed remain sober for so many years already?
I admitted to myself that I really didn't want to act out again and I take the steps to go around it whenever it comes up again. As soon as I remember that pain of not doing/having it - like a brick wall - coming at me, I say "Tatty help," or "G-d help me," rather calmly. I leave the anxious "screaming out in tortured pain" to the unfortunate folks who think they just have to be "fervently religious" enough to merit His help. I just trust Him to help me even though I'm a loser, period.
And He helps me get over the pain of not checking out that entertainment site, that ad in the paper, that news story about so-and-so's latest escapades...
And He also helps me avoid that powerful self-pity-engendering resentment, that hand-wringing over fear... I can't have those luxuries.
Anyway, I need help from G-d mainly to get over that tremendous pain of withholding lust opportunities - of not taking "little risks" for lust. That's how I never get started again, and how I am sober today, I guess.
Once I get over that pain, I need help to avoid trying to "kill it" - I have found that I can't smash lust "to smithereens" - it'd be way too much power for me to have, if I did! I believe I'd soon be the master over lust and consider myself "healed" and no longer an addict. Just more BS, to me. And BS is deadly for me.
All I can do is keep my little eyes on the little here-and-now.
The next time this kind of stupid idea pops into my head again seems like it's actually in my best interest, I'll just have to calmly ask Him to help me drop it again, and again ask Him for help to keep it dropped... till the next time - and that's OK.
It's none of my business how fast He wants me to "get better". I don't care, really. I just want to be sober today. And it has worked so far, b"H.
Also, I have found a chevra to share these things with (SA and GYE guys, in and out of the meetings) and have learned how to use the written work of the 4th step to clean my system out as needed. Through that, I have accepted myself as an imperfect person who needs a lot of work, and I am OK with that. I can look into the mirror at my eyes without shame and disgust. |
Still Clean
