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CourageousYid's Profile

Listing Options
He is looking For a PartnerFor a Mentor
  Contact Info   
Region North America
Contact preferences Email
Correspondance Frequency Wants to be in touch once in a while
Languages English
  Personal Info  
Age 23
Marital status Single
Background Yeshivish, Modern Orthodox, Heimish
Children -
Religious from birth Yes
Additional info I tried to stop many times and was unsuccesful staying stopped
Story Hi, I will share with you my first (and only) post. Hello friends, Posting this is certainly pushing myself out of my comfort zone despite the anonymity of the site. It takes a lot of courage to share your story and accept that you need help. My parents have always taught when there are certain avenues of support, like therapy or medication for those that need it, take full advantage. It can only help. A very brief history: As a 24-year-old yeshiva and college student I am shocked and frustrated that I am still in the grasp of the yetzer hara after so many years. I grew up with a "normal" childhood filled with wonderful memories. My parents truly loved my siblings and I unconditionally. They weren't perfect. But no one is. I was an ernste kid, always respectful and kind, and had the praise of all my Rabbeim since Grade 1. Although I was athletic and a good student, I got bullied in High School and part of elementary school from insensitive friends. In fact, my mashgiach was shocked to discover that I was struggling with self-esteem and self-worth. Being a sensitive kid, my friends "teasing" definitely impacted me more than most. Everyone tells me what a great kid I am. How I am the "whole package". I never truly believed them. For years I felt like an imposter, playing a part. I felt inauthentic and insecure. I fell into a depression in Beis Medrash during COVID. That was not an easy time for anyone. Unfortunately, during that time, my parents' marriage was severely tested, and they separated and divorced last year. This was an absolute shock to my family and community who did not see this coming. We were the LAST family to have divorced parents. In fact, my parents would frequently say at the dinner table how lucky we are that we have a family who loves each other. Although I am "older" and no longer a child, it is very painful and hard to process emotionally. I do thank Hashem that I grew up in a stable home filled with warm memories. I think it's important to give context to my history to appreciate my struggle with P&M. I do not consider myself an addict but use P&M as an escape from uncomfortable emotions. Just to get a little respite from all that pain. I would like to be clear. I am no longer depressed BH and have built a real connection to Torah after many years of hard work in Yeshiva. I have been working with a fantastic therapist for many years who has helped me appreciate my value. Yet I find myself after a few days of abstaining from P&M, getting overwhelmingly sad. I'm in this strange cycle where I am motivated to stop and then give in days later, not necessarily because I have a strong sexual desire, but because I am sad and want relief. I would like to know if other people find themselves in a similar position. Not always using P&M to fulfill a desire, but to escape for a few moments from paralyzing thoughts and feelings. And when I do get really sad after those few days with no P&M, what do I do? I feel completely stuck. I simply don't know how to cope. Sincerely, A CourageousYid

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