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One of the main tactics for me is filling the emptiness with spiritual pursuits. When I actually think about it, I have made such strides and should be dancing in the streets, but the Y"H does wonders in concealing our accomplishments and revealing only our setbacks. Before my recent change, I was devoid of any ruchnius. No learning, no minyan; davening was a joke. I was empty. In the beginning of my journey on GYE, my change was mainly "sur me'ra". I avoided lust at all costs and spent hours on end reading GYE to penetrate my heart and soul. Amazingly, growth in other areas began to take place. My davening went from under a minute, to 2-3 minutes. I began davening from a siddur, as a tikkun. I surprised myself by driving by a shul on Sunday and somehow ended up inside for Mincha. I even made an effort to get up and daven shachris with a minyan, but even with going to bed on time and having had enough sleep, I could not get up 1 minute before I needed to get to work on time. Then came Elul. Boy was it hard, but I managed to break the ice and get myself to shul. After 30+ days clean, I am now going to shul for shachris every morning. My learning also did not take place till after a full month clean. I had thoughts to learn already before 30 days, but I did not. I knew I needed to spend every spare minute immersed in GYE, taking in as much medicine as I could. I was sick and if I had wasted hours daily taking in the poison, I needed to spend hours with the cure. If the y"h tried to have me leave GYE dressed up as a tzadik crying "Bitul Torah", I answered back that GYE is Torah! Before I opened a sefer, I had to be ready.
I needed distance from the tumah.
I wanted my head in the sefer.
I needed distance from the tumah.
I wanted the sefer to stay open more than a few minutes.
I needed distance from the tumah.
I wanted to be able to apply the same energy as I did towards my addiction.
I needed distance from the tumah. I would (and still do) daven to Hashem to fill my "void". During davening, I place special focus on "p'sach libi betorasecha, u'vimitzvosecha tirdoph nafshi". Please Hashem, break open my heart,
even just a little.
Soften up my heart,
even just a little.
Let me want, stay focused, and understand your Torah,
even just a little.
Let me desire You, Your Torah and Your mitzvos like I desired my addiction,
even just a little.
Let me run towards You like I literally ran towards my addiction,
even just a little. I have distanced myself from the tumah. It is now time for "ve'ase tov". I have begun learning the parsha, halacha, and gemara. It's not easy, and I need to stay focused, but the desire is there. Albeit small, something has been ignited within. I work and have a wife and kids, so I don't have hours to spend in learning. I am now working on keeping my head in my sefer during my train ride to and from work. Yesterday I was having trouble understanding a gemara and I gave up. But I need to realize how far I've come in such a short time and be happy that I'm on the correct path. So I'm having trouble understanding a gemara! Big deal! So I'll read the mishna again. So I'll be behind on the daf. I need to focus on the quality. The harder it is to understand - and the harder I try, the better. This is the best tikkun possible. We are all here to change our lives. The greater the result (overcoming our addiction), then the greater effort is needed to be put in. Can there be anything greater than overcoming our addiction?! Certainly not! Then we can't expect it to be easy. This is what we were created for. Its going to be hard, very hard, but we can do it!!! May Hashem continue to steer us clear of lust and may we continue moving upward on the path of righteousness. |
Still Clean
