Vision possesses such lofty importance because the eyes are the windows to the "soul of the soul." A blemish to the sense of vision, when the eyes gaze upon some forbidden image, is grave indeed, as stressed by the verse in the Book of Eichah, "My eye affects my soul because of all the daughters of the city" (Eichah, 3:51). This means that what a man sees can cause him to lose a portion of his holiness.

Dear Reb "Feels-He's-Worthless",

The door is open for you no less than it is for anyone else, and it takes time. So relax and ask Hashem to help you out of this mess on His schedule. You are reaching out to friends - it's about time....don't give it up now, OK? Keep on going this way and find safe, understanding people you can post to, email, and eventually even talk to. I don't recall ever saying that one cannot recover without the 12 steps, but I see hope in your recognition that the strains and pains of real life are related to your mishega'as, as they are for me and others like us. If you want to use the 12 steps (or part of them), then do it - just not alone again...that's been the problem. Isolation is a killer that allows guilt, pain, self-pity and self-loathing to fester and multiply like crazy. Dayenu, no?

You are wallowing in painful, awful guilt, it seems, for decades. It is actually beautiful that you are admitting that openly, and it is mechazek me in my own struggles, so thanks for the beautiful music. Keep at it and the music will slowly, over months and years, become beautiful to you too. And even your wife will begin to hear it when she is ready.

You are not alone, at all....unless you choose to remain so. You are certainly lightyears ahead of many out there who are still sold on the great 'value' of hiding their pain and disgust in the dark.

Environmental Factors in SSA

When discussing the environmental factors that can lead to SSA, it is important to keep in mind the dangers of overgeneralization inherent in discussing the cause of any psychological symptom. There are many factors that can, for example, cause poor self-esteem. Still, it most often involves having been overly criticized. Likewise, we can say that SSA is most often a result of problems with gender identity, where a young boy fails to identify with his father’s masculinity. This, in turn, is most often the result of a distant, uninvolved or overly harsh and punitive father. The impact of this dynamic is often exacerbated by an overly involved and intrusive mother.

Obviously, this explanation does not fit every case of SSA, nor does every child raised in such an environment develop SSA, as there are many variations and complexities in the lives of all individuals, both regarding the temperament they are born with and the environmental forces they are exposed to (Whitehead, 2011b).

It is certainly plausible to suggest, for example, that the parents of a boy who has a “sensitive temperament” may find it more challenging to help him develop a comfortable masculine gender identity. This is no different than the challenges faced by parents of a child who is more easily distractible. The more emotionally healthy the parents are individually and the family is as a unit, the more likely it is that the parents will have the capacity to help their child develop normally in spite of these obstacles.

A boy, who, for whatever reason, has not been successful in developing a comfortable masculine gender identity, will face many challenges in his emotional development. He may feel alienated from other boys and their interests. When the other boys reach the age of feeling attracted to girls, he’ll be interested in boys. This is not the result of some inborn sexual desire for males, as the problem of gender identity starts before the age of sexual interest. In fact when his age mates were at the stage where they disdained girls he only wanted to play with girls.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.