The work Ner Le'ragli tells the story of a certain student in Yeshivat Kenesset Yisrael of Slobodka who spread false, uncomplimentary information about a fellow student, whom we will call Yosef. The lashon ha'ra he spoke caused Yosef to lose a prospective shidduch opportunity. Yosef remained unmarried until the time when the Russian army began conscripting single men into its army, and so Yosef was drafted. He endured several years of suffering under the harsh conditions of the Russian military.

Many years later, the boy who spread the false rumors was overcome by guilt, realizing that he had caused Yosef untold suffering and hardship. He did not have the courage to directly ask Yosef for forgiveness, so he wrote a letter to the Alter of Slobodka, Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel, explaining what he had done and asking that the Rabbi convey to Yosef his request for forgiveness. The Rabbi approached Yosef and told him what the other student had done many years earlier, ruining an outstanding shidduch opportunity and causing him to be drafted.

"No problem," Yosef calmly said. "I completely forgive him."

The Rabbi found it difficult to believe that Yosef was truly sincere, and so he said, "Are you sure, after everything you've gone through, that you have no ill feelings towards him?"

"Yes," Yosef firmly stated. "I believe with complete faith that everything that happened to me was Hashem's will, and that nobody could break a shidduch or send me to the Russian army besides Hashem. And if He did it, then it must have been the best thing for me, and so I am happy about it."

The Rabbi kissed Yosef's head and said, "You are a true tzaddik."

Responding to adversity with emunah makes us great. As the Hafetz Haim said, it raises us to the highest spiritual levels and makes us worthy of all the blessings Hashem has in store for us.

Do you expect me to say you can't get better without live meetings? Well, I won't!

If you get 'better' with the virtual friendships (and using your virtual name), then that means that it works. I believe that also depends on how you define 'getting better', too.

For me, the fake name and my hidden presence would conspire against me - for that is the very way I protected my acting out in the first place. So it's not my cup of tea when it comes to recovery. But like I said, if it works for you, then it works!

All you can do is try, and the truth will reveal itself for you.

Of course, if you define 'success' as 'participating in the valiant fight', then your definition is something I cannot relate to. For me, my actions, lifestyle and attitude had become such an irritant, that all I wanted to do was to stop. I couldn't stop, but I had to. So to me, success means one thing: not having to act-out today. I learned that the reason I ended up having to 'mess up' was not that I went too far with the shmutz. (That's what I had always truly believed, so I made an art out of searching and looking - but stopping in time. I presume you know firsthand exactly what I mean.) Rather, my problem was the first drink. I discovered that I do not even possess the power to consistently avoid the very first drink! So I started to learn how to trust G-d.

SA - a bunch of goyim - taught me how to do that. And now I am here with you. Am I goyish? I don't think so. So maybe the meetings wouldn't be that bad.

Furthermore, even though I am not - repeat NOT recommending SA to you (for I do not know you at all) - the act of a bekovodikeh ben-Torah/talmid chochom having to go and be machniyah himself to a bunch of 'farmboys' to learn how to keep his marriage and stop behaving like a rosho, is quite a humbling experience. I like that for myself. I'd like to wish it on anybody with a porn/masturbation/whatever problem, especially if he is a talmid chochom. Because when we act out our lust, somehow we learn to maintain the kovod of a respectable talmid chochom, don't we? And that is a lie. If the masses watched a video of us doing what we do and thinking what we think before, during, and after we do it, we would not be 'respectable' any more. Period.

So I am happy I am friends with a bunch of otherwise prusteh goyim - who taught me how to be not prust, one day at a time.

Just for the opportunity for a grain of precious anivus, this experience is priceless to me.

So try whatever you want, and may Hashem help you and all of us take action accordingly. If what we choose to do works for us, great. If not....better try something else or we just get worse.

In Likutei Moharan, Torah 23, Rebbe Nachman says that the Jews are all tzaddikim because of the "Brit", and Reb Nosson says that the Rebbe told him that this means because they are circumcised.

But this Brit, this covenant between a Jew and his Creator, does not end with circumcision. In that same Likutei Moharan, Rebbe Nachman also says that every Jew who guards his Brit is considered a tzaddik relative to another Jew who is not at the same level when it comes to guarding his Brit. Circumcision is the first step in bringing a Jewish man into the category of "Tzaddik" and without that mitzvah he cannot relate to the truly great Tzaddikim. He must continue to guard and sanctify the mark of circumcision by avoiding misuse of that part of his body which at the time of his Brit was dedicated to purity and sanctity.

In Likutei Moharan (I:2 and I:130) Rebbe Nachman quotes the Zohar stating that the yetzer hara, the evil inclination, focuses its influence on moral issues. Someone once spoke highly of a certain Tzaddik to Rebbe Nachman. Rebbe Nachman responded, "How is he with that desire?" The Chassid replied "How can anyone know about that?" Rebbe Nachman responded, "But that is the main thing. All the other desires can easily be subdued but the true measure of a Tzaddik is to what extent he has purified himself in that desire" (Chayei Moharan 601).

The Torah does not expect every Jew to achieve the purity of the greatest tzaddikim. At the same time, we must realize that our level of purity need not remain static, and that we are expected to constantly continue to purify and elevate ourselves, in thought, word, and deed.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.